Strictly Come Dancing is back! Woo! And it’s hijacking about 15 hours of your weekend again! Woo! And Phil Daniels isn’t in it any more! Woo!

On yesterday’s Strictly Come Dancing, Phil Daniels was thrown out after the dance-off. It’s not a tremendous surprise – his waltz to I Have Nothing was utterly devoid of interest apart from the way that his partner had a couple of ferrets stapled to his arms and at one point he looked a bit like a butler running for his life through a rat infestation – but he’ll be sadly missed. Well, not sadly. And he’s not going to be missed much, either. Oh well.

But who the hell does that leave in Strictly Come Dancing? And how did they do this weekend? Here’s our Strictly Come Dancing recap for Tom Chambers and Don Warrington…

Tom Chambers - It’s actually the law that every series of Strictly Come Dancing must feature someone from Holby City who we wouldn’t recognise even if they came up to us screaming the Casualty theme-tune (just in case we didn’t know the Holby City theme-tune, which we don’t) and slapped us in the head with a DVD of them titting about in an ambulance. And this year Strictly Come Dancing chose Tom Chambers, who we only believe is a celebrity because we hate the thought of our licence fee funding a lie. Anyway, Tom Chambers’ debut Strictly Come Dancing jaunt was a Cha Cha Cha to Nowhere To Run, which was successful only in instantly vapourising whatever glimmer of sex appeal he had by letting him dance like a self-conscious middle-aged mum (not a dad) at a wedding. Not a great start, but since we don’t even know who Tom Chambers is, we won’t pretend that we care very much. Strictly Come Dancing score – 28

Don Warrington – Apparently we know Don Warrington from Rising Damp, although obviously that’s bollocks – he’s the man from the Kenco adverts who gets his knickers in such a furious twist about arabica beans that he looks like he’s about to shit out his kidneys. Anyway, none of that matters on Strictly Come Dancing. What does matter, though, is that Don Warrington thinks too much during training, and this is wrong. Everyone knows that dancers don’t don’t think, they feel. Or, if they’re women, they wedge themselves into a shard of spandex and pray that their unavoidably prominent cameltoe takes everyone’s mind off the fact that they’re doing a terrible job. But anyway, on Saturday Don Warrington’s debut Strictly Come Dancing performance was a Cha Cha Cha to Let’s Groove Tonight that was like watching a homeless man do a mating dance for his own reflection in a shop window. But it’s not all bad, because at least Don had the self-awareness to look thoroughly disgusted with himself from beginning to end. Strictly Come Dancing score – 19

Tomorrow: the Strictly Come Dancing recap for Austin Healy and Mark Foster.