Let’s not pretend that this is anything other than completely inevitable – Mark Foster has been eliminated from Strictly Come Dancing.

Not for lack of trying – he even toned down his outfit to just a semi-transparent blouse that gave him a cleavage like an old prostitute down the bingo. Given Mark’s tendency to grimace and flail like a rapist at any opportunity, his Paso Doble to Since U Been Gone should have been amazing. But it wasn’t, and he pulled in his worst score of the entire series for it. And this is Mark Foster we’re taking about – we figured the only way he could actually get any worse was to fart in Tess Daly‘s mouth during a Coup de Pique.

But anyway, with Mark Foster out, who’ll win Strictly Come Dancing? Here’s the first part of our Strictly Come Dancing recap, for Lisa Snowdon and Andrew Castle…

Lisa Snowdon - We always got the impression that if you put Lisa Snowdon and Brendan Cole in a room together, the stench of cockiness would be so overwhelming that it’d peel paint, and we’ve yet to be proved wrong about that. On last week’s Strictly Come Dancing Lisa Snowdon came out on top, and so – as expected – she decided to go all out on this week’s show with a Paso Doble to Eye Of The Tiger. At least we’re told it was a Paso Doble – to us it sort of seemed like a couple of rubbish end of the pier magicians had kidnapped Lisa and Brendan, taken their places and decided to do a bunch of overblown pre-trick mystic arm-wobbles instead. Honestly, the only logical conclusion to that routine was Lisa Snowdon pushing two metal hoops through each other. That didn’t happen, obviously, which narked the Strictly Come Dancing judges off no end. They told Lisa: “You need to open and widen your spine. Work on it because I think you’re going to be fabulous,” which admittedly doesn’t sound very narky, but it was. Honest. Strictly Come Dancing score – 29

Andrew Castle – Even though so far in Strictly Come Dancing, Andrew Castle’s arms have almost dropped his partner and his head has banged backwards and forwards like a woodpecker performing cunnilingus on a taser, his bottom has somehow gained the most attention, because it sticks out a bit. So Andrew’s number one objective when it came to Saturday’s Viennese Waltz to Annie’s Song was to tuck his arse in. And it was a success – for the most part, Andrew’s bum stayed roughly where it was supposed to. Now that’s out of the way, perhaps Andrew can concentrate on sorting out his feet, ankles, legs, torso, shoulders, elbows, arms, hands, neck, head, face and hair, because they’re all pretty woeful too. Especially his face – when he dances, Andrew constantly pulls the same face that most people do when they walk past the homeless, and it’s dreadfully off-putting. However, perhaps because his previous dances have been worse than terrible, the Strictly Come Dancing judges seemed to quite like the routine, saying. “You have made such a staggering improvement. For a fleeting moment you were absolutely into the dance and that’s a first.” Strictly Come Dancing score – 24

Tomorrow: Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Christine Bleakley, Austin Healey and Cherie Lunghi.