Time for part two of this week’s Strictly Come Dancing recap, and it’s a good one – it’s like a jumble sale of mid-life crises.

But before we get to that, we’d just like to point out Bruce Forsyth‘s new Strictly Come Dancing catchphrase of “I am not doddery, doddery I am not.” Yes, it’s very clever and all Bruce, but it’d probably have a little bit more weight behind it if you didn’t constantly stare out into the distance with the confused look of someone who’s just been pushed out of a helicopter into a forest. You know, we’re just saying.

But back to the Strictly Come Dancing recap. Here’s what we thought about John Sergeant and Andrew Castle…

John Sergeant - On his first Strictly Come Dancing outing, John Sergeant managed to be the surprise hit of the episode, conducting his Waltz with all the charm and pride of a father dancing at his daughter’s wedding. However, this week John Sergeant had to adapt his skills to a Tango to Boulevard Of Broken Dreams. But he didn’t, and ended up twirling his partner round the stage in the exact same way he did before. Given the slightly sexual nature of the Tango, though, this made John look like a father dancing at his daughter’s wedding who knew he’d rigged up hidden cameras inside their honeymoon hotel room and was planning to have a cheeky wank to the footage later. It was a little bit creepy to watch but, John being John, there was still an element of charm in the routine as the Strictly Come Dancing judges pointed out, telling him he was “far too nice for the dance.” Our advice to John – stop thinking of your partner as a loving relative, and more like the mail order bride you plan to kill and bury in your garden. That’s how we’ve got this far. Strictly Come Dancing score – 22

Andrew Castle – Like Gary Rhodes before him, Andrew Castle spent a week in training whining like a girl about how difficult dancing is. He needn’t have, though. Not because he possesses a natural gift for dance or anything – he really doesn’t – but because he should know that he could spend the entire duration of his routine strangling domestic animals and he’d still go through because his partner’s got quite big boobs. At the start of his Strictly Come Dancing Tango to 20th Century Boy, Andrew Castle seemed to realise this – all he did was stand perfectly still while his partner effectively used him as a makeshift stripper’s pole, which was ingenious. However, Andrew then attempted to actually dance and things unspooled all over the shop. His face didn’t help – he sort of looked like a part-man part-eagle Terminator – but it was probably the headbanging that did him in. Andrew Castle literally stopped dancing altogether at one point and then banged his head so furiously that it looked more like an uncomfortable scene of domestic abuse than a gentile Saturday teatime dance routine. Unsurprisingly, the Strictly Come Dancing judges picked up on this: “I’ve never seen headbanging in a Tango before,” they cooed. And we know why, too – because it’s cack. Strictly Come Dancing score – 22

Tomorrow: Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Don Warrington and Tom Chambers.