It took four dance-offs, but it finally happened – last night Heather Small was finally booted off Strictly Come Dancing.

Due to something that’s either racism or an intense hatred of M People, depending on if you ask News Of The World or us, Heather Small’s Strictly Come Dancing Tango to Rebel Rebel just couldn’t cut the mustard with the viewers. Ironically, this was despite it being less offensively porny than her routine from last week, but admittedly that’s not hard – actual porn is less offensively porny than Heather Small was last week.

But now Heather Small is gone, who’s going to win Strictly Come Dancing? here’s part one of this week’s Strictly Come Dancing recaps, for Tom Chambers and Jodie Kidd…

Tom Chambers – If you read the newspapers last week, you could be forgiven for assuming that Tom Chambers smashed his skull into jelly on a brick wall during training for Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing Quickstep to A Town Called Malice, However, it turns out that all the froth-mouthed reporting was slightly off. Rather than an exploded head, all Tom Chambers ended up with was a scratch on his arm and enough concussion to make him pull an impressive array of hopelessly unsuitable faces during his routine. Although most of it was sweeping and dynamic, Tom was allowed his own little solo moments at the start and finish of his performance, in which he took the opportunity to spanner around like a kid off his face on blue Smarties. The Strictly Come Dancing judges told him that “it was like watching jumping jack flash. So on the timing – unbelievable.” Sadly they meant the 1986 Whoopi Goldberg movie Jumpin’ Jack Flash, which absolutely isn’t a compliment at all. Strictly Come Dancing score – 36

Jodie Kidd – If there’s one undeniable truth about Jodie Kidd – other than the fact she’s an unbearably posh idiot who got caught dealing cocaine once – it’s that on Strictly Come Dancing she’s good at slow dances and crap at fast ones. And, on this week’s Strictly Come Dancing, Jodie Kidd danced the Samba to an old Tom Jones song. And, as you would have guessed, it was crap. Jodie and her partner deserve some credit for trying to disguise how crap it was by lobbing gimmicks into the routine like crazy – we were particularly fond of the pretend maracas and the bit where Jodie’s partner thrashed furiously at her dress with his hands like he’d lost a contact lens in her minge – but in reality it was drab and halfhearted and the Strictly Come Dancing judges concurred, adding “you crucified that Samba, no real bounce action… limp.. very sticky rolls.” Strictly Come Dancing score – 23

Tomorrow: Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Austin Healey and Cherie Lunghi.

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