Ready for some more recaps of Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing? You’ve come to the right place. We’re presuming you just answered ‘yes’ to that, by the way.

Of course, these recaps are just a warm-up for Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing, when all the male celebrities get to take another turn at destroying their masculinity in a procession of frilly blouses and sparkly shoes while trying not to stare at their partner’s cleavage because they know their wife’s in the audience. Wholesome.

Anyway, cracking on with the Strictly Come Dancing recap, here’s what we made of Heather Small and Rachel Stevens…

Heather Small – One thing was guaranteed right from the outset – Heather Small would be infinitely better at Strictly Come Dancing than she is at her day job. That’s because her day job involves howling like a wounded dinosaur at every opportunity, so even if her dancing involved nothing but curling out a big poo on the middle of the floor, it’d still be better. Anyway, Heather Small’s opening Strictly Come Dancing routine was a salsa, and it was unusual in that she actually gave the impression that she knew what she was doing. At one point Heather even looked as if she might have been enjoying herself, which is completely unheard of, frankly. Plus her routine ended with a sort of daredevil WWF move that could have quite easily ended with her spinal fluid spraying all over Bruce Forsyth’s suit. Odd that she didn’t get a higher score, really. Strictly Come Dancing score – 26

Rachel Stevens – Bless her. Rachel Stevens’ Strictly Come Dancing introduction featured her holding a microphone, as if to remind people that she was famous for singing, rather than for covering herself in baby oil and wiggling around for FHM. Rachel’s Strictly Come Dancing campaign is already hampered by the fact that her partner is essentially just a walking erection, but she didn’t let that get to her during her Salsa to a weird ballroom version of Money Can’t Buy Me Love, that was officially Quite Good, although it was a painful reminder that Rachel Stevens was the one from S Club 7 who had the least personality. Still, as a former member of S Club 7 on a reality TV show, at least we know that a career-destroying racist-seeming outburst can only be a few weeks away. Hooray! Strictly Come Dancing score – 31

Tomorrow: The Strictly Come Dancing recap for Cherie Lunghi.