It’s time for day two of this week’s set of Strictly Come Dancing recaps, which means we can remain eerily fixated on the women.

But before we get to that, does anyone get freaked out by the way that Bruce Forsyth specifically welcomes children to each episode of Strictly Come Dancing? If you ask us, children shouldn’t be allowed to watch Strictly Come Dancing – what sort of an example does a show like that set to the youth of today? What if they decide that they want to be Jessie Wallace when they grow up? WHAT THEN, BRUCE?

So anyway, here are the Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Heather Small and Cherie Lunghi…

Heather Small – Having spent the week in training wobbling about in a nervous old failure-spaz, nobody really knew how Heather Small was going to fare in her Strictly Come Dancing Quickstep to Old Man Time, but it turns out they needn’t have worried. Or they should have worried a bit. Perhaps. Look, we don’t know how well Heather Small did in her dance – it wasn’t particularly quick and there wasn’t much stepping and it was a bit boring, but she looked as if she was enjoying herself – but it’s OK, because that’s more or less what the Strictly Come Dancing judges admitted as well, complimenting her energy but adding that the routine was “heavy, like champagne that had gone flat”. So, yes, Heather Small was either quite good at dancing or not good at dancing at all. One thing’s for sure, though, if the show was called Strictly Come Dress Up As A Mackerel, then she’d far and away be the winner. Strictly Come Dancing score – 23

Cherie Lunghi – In her last Strictly Come Dancing performance, Cherie Lunghi walked off with the best score of the night, which piled the pressure on her ahead of Saturday’s Rumba to Songbird. And things looked dicey from the start, when Cherie winched her face into a fleshy seaside gurn that we presume was meant to be sexy. From then on, though, everything got a bit too bloody milfy for our liking – Cherie was poised, elegant, leggy, tender, slow and not averse to the odd moment of knicker-flashing and, tragically, all these factors combined to leave us with the vague outline of a slightly humiliating crush on her. Luckily this wasn’t the only reaction to Cherie Lunghi’s dance, though – one Strictly Come Dancing judge told her that “Every single inch of you worked that dance. Fabulous!” while another one pretty much burst into tears at the emotion of it all. It was, in fact, the best-scored Rumba in Strictly Come Dancing history, the majority of which we’re pinning on the knicker shots. Strictly Come Dancing score – 35

Tomorrow: Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Lisa Snowdon and Rachel Stevens.