Last night Don Warrington became what we’re assuming to be the millionth contestant to leave Strictly Come Dancing this year.

We know why, of course. Don’s secret weapon in Strictly Come Dancing was his face – he only danced well when he was pulling an expression like a naked midget with excessive bodyhair was trying to jab a poo-covered stick up one of his nostrils. But since he was dancing an American Smooth to Can’t Smile Without You on Saturday, Don had to trade in his repulsed glower for something a bit more civilised. And that’s where it all fell apart.

So with Don Warrington out of Strictly Come Dancing, who’s going to win? Here’s part one of our Strictly Come Dancing recap for the week, for Rachel Stevens, Lisa Snowdon and Heather Small…

Rachel Stevens – Personally, and we know we’re biased, we want Rachel Stevens to stay a part of Strictly Come Dancing forever, because it means we get to see her identical thuggish bald nightclub bouncer-alike brothers say things like “Yeah, well, she bloody gave herself over to the dance didn’t she? It wuz facking exquisite.” That’s probably the only reason we want Rachel Stevens to stay on Strictly Come Dancing, though, because based on her Samba to Hips Don’t Lie, she’s a bit of a mannequin. Rachel was gunning for ‘sexy’ – that much was clear – but she ended up looking more like one of those Asimo robots that’s been programmed to act sexy. She was doing all the right moves, but was dead-eyed and cold throughout, making her seem more suited to a job as a stripper or hecklerspray‘s girlfriend. The Strictly Come Dancing judges agreed exactly with what we just said, telling Rachel that she needed to “get the raunch out.” Our forecast for next week? Dildos. Strictly Come Dancing score – 30

Lisa Snowdon – Judging by her Strictly Come Dancing intro, Lisa Snowdon spent her entire week in training sobbing like a numpty. God knows why, because her Strictly Come Dancing American Smooth to It Happened In Monterey was pretty good. Lisa dropped all the am-dram stylising of her performance from the previous week and managed to pull out a routine that was slick, professional and even made it look like she was enjoying herself. As for the Strictly Come Dancing judges, they told her “You are the belle of the ballroom!” But that leaves out one tiny point that everyone failed to mention – Lisa Snowdon was only good at the American Smooth because she used to go out with George Clooney, who is smooth and an American, so she’s used to it. She’s probably thanking her lucky stars that she never went out with Tom Cruise, because there isn’t a dance called Berserk Sci-Fi Midget. Strictly Come Dancing score – 35

Heather Small – As she was introduced for her Strictly Come Dancing Samba to Lola Lola on Saturday, it was clear to see that Heather Small had developed a new weapon in her arsenal – the giant afro. This was impressive. What was less impressive was the way that Heather Small declared that she’d be good at the Samba because she was brought up in London, where once a year in one specific part of London there’s a carnival. Based on that logic, we’ve determined that Heather Small would also be good at driving underground trains, being the entire government and stabbing people for their pocket money. Anyway, as for the Strictly Come Dancing routine in itself, it was a little bit like Heather Small’s old band M People, because it was crap and we can’t really remember anything about it, apart from the bit where her partner slung her about like a corpse at the end. The Strictly Come Dancing judges agreed, telling Heather that it was “Lifeless, lacklustre, laboured.” We’d agree, if we could remember anything about it. Strictly Come Dancing score – 23

Tomorrow: Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Cherie Lunghi, Marc Foster and Austin Healey.