Can’t remember what happened in the third quarter of last Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing? Good job we’re here, then.

This whole Strictly Come Dancing kerfuffle about John Sergeant hasn’t died down any yet, has it? Now John has claimed that the Strictly Come Dancing judges should all resign if they don’t like the way the public keeps voting him through. Honestly, this better end up with actual punches being thrown on Saturday’s show or we’ll refuse to pay our license fee any more.

Anyway, here are the Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Christine Bleakley and Rachel Stevens…

Christine Bleakley - After the Strictly Come Dancing judges criticised her legwork in last week’s show and suggested that she spent a day at a ballet school, Christine Bleakley did just that in training for her Jive to Jailhouse Rock on Saturday. And, as such, we’ll happily give £50 to the first Strictly Come Dancing judge who suggests that Christine Bleakley’s routines will be improved if she starts appearing in pornography. Anyway, the ballet seemed to do the trick for Christine because her Jive was zippy and precise and kicky and so much fun that she started shrieking like an entire hen-night party at 2am as soon as she’d finished. The Strictly Come Dancing judges were full of praise for her too, adding “I’m thrilled you went to a ballet class this week, and it made a difference. A phenomenal improvement!” What’s more, Christine did the jive dressed as Big Bird from Sesame Street, and that has to be worth something. Strictly Come Dancing score – 31

Rachel Stevens – To practise for her American Smooth to I Got A Woman – and to slightly placate Len Goodman’s thundering rage towards her – Rachel Stevens went to the set of the Dirty Dancing musical to learn the art of eye contact in training for Saturday. Did it work? No. No it didn’t. Rachel’s routine was almost the precise opposite of romantic – although technically good, it lacked so much personality that it may as well have been performed by a goat in a top hat. Worst of all, to show off that they’d really grasped this ‘eye contact’ thing, Rachel Stevens and her partner literally stopped their performance in the middle and literally just looked at each other for a bit. But, hey, what do we know? After all, the Strictly Come Dancing judges seemed to enjoy it enough, telling Rachel that “it was Fred and Ginger for me tonight, so elaborate and demanding… you did that effortlessly.” Stupid Strictly Come Dancing judges with their stupid professional knowledge. Strictly Come Dancing score – 35

Tomorrow: Strictly Come Dancing recaps for John Sergeant and Lisa Snowdon.