Strictly Come Dancing is going down to the wire now, and only the best dancers can survive. Christine Bleakley, for those of you who have joined the party late, wasn’t one of the best dancers.

Some will blame Christine’s lack of technical ability for her Strictly Come Dancing exit last night. Some will blame the frightening Meatloaf haircut she sported during her first dance of the night. Us? We’re pinning Christine’s failure solely on the fact that she hired Felicity Kendal as an acting coach this week. Felicity blinking Kendal. Oh, if only her dances were about short muddy women from the 1970s, yesterday’s result could have been so very different.

But still, Christine Bleakley is out of Strictly Come Dancing, so who’ll win? Here’s the Strictly Come Dancing recap for Rachel Stevens…

Rachel Stevens – Good news everyone! A week ago on Strictly Come Dancing, Rachel Stevens got a perfect score! Hooray! That means she’d finally get to pack in all the sobbing and wailing and crap for a change, right? Right? Well, um, no. Instead, Rachel Stevens managed to beat the odds and cry even more than ever, because she was happy about getting a perfect score. So that’s happiness and sadness that Rachel Stevens responds to by weeping like a tossbucket – in fact, we’re starting to think that the only emotion that doesn’t inspire floods and floods of tears from Rachel is mild wonder. Our point? That Rachel Stevens is an idiot.

But back to Strictly Come Dancing. On Saturday Rachel Stevens danced a waltz, which was boring because it was a waltz. She’s clearly put some effort in – making sure that even in her conservative dress she had her back out and a giant cleavage dangling off her front, and realising that closing your eyes and sighing during a dance makes the Strictly Come Dancing judges double their scores, but it was boring. Rachel’s second Strictly Come Dancing routine was a Paso Doble, which mainly tended to involve Rachel Stevens standing around looking a bit bored while her Italian midget partner flapped a cape around like he was trying to put out a burning puppy. Oh, and she almost fell over. But what she lost in technique she gained in fleshcount – her outfit showed off her gut, tits, legs and probably her bumhole too if there weren’t laws against that sort of thing. Total Strictly Come Dancing Score – 71

Tomorrow: the Strictly Come Dancing recap for Lisa Snowdon…