Time for another batch of Strictly Come Dancing recaps, although frankly our heart isn’t in it now that Mark Foster’s gone.

Now that Mark’s no longer part of Strictly Come Dancing, who else is going to take their top off without any prompting? Nobody, that’s who. And believe us, we’ve tried to convince the other Strictly Come Dancing contestants to do it, but they won’t. Well, not all of them. John Sergeant. John Sergeant won’t take his top off for us.

Anyway, here’s our Strictly Come Dancing recap for Christine Bleakley, Austin Healey and Cherie Lunghi…

Christine Bleakley – Christine Bleakley can be mainly characterised by two quirks – her sunny personality and the almost-transvestitey way in which she applies make-up. For her Strictly Come Dancing Paso Doble to Fighter on Saturday, the first one was going to the main problem – the Paso Doble is a mean, aggressive dance and Christine is roughly as mean and aggressive as a kitten in a pair of bunny ears. That came across during her dance because, even though she adopted a brand new persona for the routine, it appeared to be the persona of peeved-looking vapid cadaver who couldn’t dance particularly well. The Strictly Come Dancing judges picked up on this too, saying “it looked more like a domestic with you as Madonna and a bored looking Guy Ritchie.” Which seemed a little unfair to us, because Christine Bleakley is nothing like Madonna – her arms are normal for a start, and she doesn’t seem like she has a weird preoccupation with her own vagina. She might, but it doesn’t seem like she has. Strictly Come Dancing score – 22

Austin Healey – The worst thing about writing these recaps is when someone’s actually good. There are only so many ways to say that someone came out, did a more or less professional job and got an incredibly high mark for it. That’s the predicament we find ourselves in with Austin Healey, who pretty much aces Strictly Come Dancing every time he tries a new dance. Case in point – his Viennese Waltz to Send In The Clowns that was graceful and poignant and infuriatingly not rubbish at all. Even the Strictly Come Dancing judges went overboard with it, saying “I loved it. Ooooh, gorgeous!” Yes, there were four ‘o’s in that ooooh. That’s how gorgeous it was. But, look, this is all well and good, but can’t Austin fall on his arse this Saturday? Just once? Just for us? Strictly Come Dancing score – 34

Cherie Lunghi - Watching Strictly Come Dancing, it’s sometimes easy to forget that Cherie Lunghi will be old enough to retire in the next few years. Thanks to her grace, elegance and willingness to show the world what her undercrackers look like, Cherie often seems like a much younger woman. So thank heavens above when, during her Strictly Come Dancing Paso Doble to Amparito, Cherie Lunghi finally decided to act like a woman her age. Specifically, a woman her age who just tried to jump off a moving bus – right at the start of her routine Cherie staggered around to the extent that she almost ended up falling on her arse. As a result, the rest of her performance was shaky and unconvincing and the Strictly Come Dancing judges pulled her to pieces for it, saying “I just wish you could do all that again with fire in your belly. You just lost your courage this week.” And then they gave her one of the highest scores of the night, the weirdos. Strictly Come Dancing score – 31

Tomorrow: Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Heather Small and Tom Chambers.