As Little Foreign Judge said on Strictly Come Dancing on Saturday, now that the women and men are dancing together, it’s like qualification is over and it’s time for the Grand Prix.

Brilliant, we’ve always enjoyed thinking of Strictly Come Dancing as a Grand Prix – overlong, boring, probably quite expensive and with a rich old man controlling everything. And terrible for the environment. And it monopolises our Sundays, usually against our wishes. Perfect. Gold star for Little Foreign Judge.

But who’ll win Strictly Come Dancing? Here’s part two of this week’s Strictly Come Dancing recap, for Cherie Lunghi, Mark Foster and Austin Healey…

Cherie Lunghi – On last week’s Strictly Come Dancing, Cherie Lunghi managed to give the world a new favourite milf with a routine that got the highest score of the night. Unless she could actually make Len Goodman ejaculate in his pants this week, it was bound to be a bit of a letdown. Was it? Well, her training clip showed not even a ripple of trouble, plus she’d decided to inexplicably dressed as a wild west hooker, so that was all good. But dancing an American Smooth to Layla was a particularly bad choice – it was all plod instead of pizazz and we drifted off towards the end. Cherie should be given a small amount of credit for the way she was flipped upside down at the end and didn’t dislocate her hip, but she lost all that credit and more for not showing off her knickers like she did the week before. That said, the Strictly Come Dancing judges loved it, saying “You deliver on every level.” Which is true, apart from the knicker-flashing level. Sort that out for next week, Cherie. Strictly Come Dancing score – 34

Mark Foster – Previously on Strictly Come Dancing, Mark Foster was told that he needed acting lessons, so before Saturday’s show he decided to put that right. Sadly he decided to put that right by hiring John Barrowman as an acting coach, therefore propelling the gayness of his Samba to Spice Up Your Life to stratospheric levels. It was all out of time, clumsy, Frankensteiny and seemingly made up on the spot, but we barely noticed any of that, because Mark Foster had dressed himself in a mesh top that either made him look like a rape ninja or the world’s gayest teabag, depending on how polite you want to be. The routine was staggeringly bad, like the monkey trying to shake off his chains at the end of King Kong, and the Strictly Come Dancing judges could barely make out the words to tell him how dreadful he was, saying “the performance was vital, but you forgot to dance at the same time.” But we have to thank the British public sincerely, because despite being awful, Mark didn’t have to take part in the dance-off. That meant we wouldn’t have to watch him wiggle about in his horrible top again. Urgh. Strictly Come Dancing score – 17

Austin Healey – We can all agree that Austin Healey is basically the Strictly Come Dancing equivalent of the boy at school who everyone hated because he was a cocky little tryhard who probably lived in a house with a bloody swimming pool, the jumped-up turd. It’s not an exaggeration to say that everyone has been waiting for Austin Healey to be taken down a peg or two, and that’s what happened on Saturday. Austin’s Samba to Everybody Move Your Feet wasn’t really up to the high standard set by his previous dances – it was featureless, a bit drab and kind of like how you’d expect your teachers to dance at the school disco. The Strictly Come Dancing judges thought this was down to a blown step near the beginning – “You knew you had made some slight mistake, and it stopped you” – but we’re putting his comparative failure down to collective willpower. Good work, team. Strictly Come Dancing score – 32

Tomorrow: Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Andrew Castle, Christine Bleakley and Jodie Kidd.