It’s the Strictly Come Dancing final on Saturday, which means two things: 1) it’s almost Christmas and 2) soon we’ll be writing about Celebrity Big Brother. How wonderful.

But back to Strictly Come Dancing. Saturday will be the culmination of half a year’s training for Lisa Snowdon, Tom Chambers and Rachel Stevens, and only one can win it. Unless, you know, the BBC makes the last-minute decision that they’ve all won and, instead of a final dance-off, Tess Daly just rolls around in everyone’s phone-vote money cackling like a witch. That seems to be the done thing these days.

So can Tom Chambers win Strictly Come Dancing? Here’s his recap…

Tom Chambers – When a reality TV show like Strictly Come Dancing reaches its final stages, it’s highly important that the contestants can reflect on their ‘journey’ as a life-changing experience, and that’s what Tom Chambers did on Saturday’s show – calling it “the greatest chapter of my life”. Admittedly that’s because most of the other chapters in Tom Chambers’ life have involved Holby City, and so a chapter that involved nothing but being bitten on the cock by a laboratory monkey would still qualify as the greatest of his life. But, with this in mind, Tom Chambers was bound to give the Strictly Come Dancing performances of his life on Saturday, because it just meant that much to him. Right?

Nope. Instead Tom Chambers dressed up as one of those Quality Streets that always gets left at the bottom of the tin and did a limp little Jive to Waterloo that walked the line between earnest and crap so perfectly that it was like watching the winners of Britain’s Got Incredibly Annoying Stage School Children, if such a thing even exists. Was Tom saving up the good stuff for his Strictly Come Dancing Argentine Tango to Por Una Cabeza? Nope. The dance mainly consisted of Tom Chambers standing completely still while his partner showed off her legs in an unconvincingly slutty way. Nevertheless, one Strictly Come Dancing judge told Tom that the dance was like “moving through mercury.” We don’t know what that means exactly, but Wikipedia suggests that she might have started bleeding from gums and suddenly became depressed for no reason while watching it. Hey, us too! Total Strictly Come Dancing score – 67

Tomorrow: The Strictly Come Dancing recap for Rachel Stevens.