So this is it – the last Strictly Come Dancing recap of 2008. And what a ride it’s been.

This season of Strictly Come Dancing has had everything – shock resignations, judge in-fighting, humiliatingly credibility-obliterating phone vote cock-ups and, um, Gillian Taylforth. And that’s literally it. We’ll miss you Strictly Come Dancing. Or at least we would if Dancing On Ice wasn’t starting in about a bloody fortnight. Sheesh.

So, can Rachel Stevens win the Strictly Come Dancing final? Here’s her recap…

Rachel Stevens – Even though they’re both about three feet tall and share the personality of a retired chartered accountant from Stevenage, Rachel Stevens and her partner are the lookers of this year’s Strictly Come Dancing. Their sexiness is paramount to their Strictly Come Dancing chances, so imagine our horror on Saturday when Rachel’s partner unveiled his new beard. Well, we say ‘beard’ but that’s only because a word has yet to be invented that can fully convey the horror of the wispy public fluff that Rachel’s partner had strapped to his chin for Saturday’s show. Would it affect their chances of making the Strictly Come Dancing final?

Well, no, thanks to the rubbishy ‘everyone’s in the final!’ twist that Strictly Come Dancing pulled at the end of the results show, Rachel Stevens and her partner would have made the final even if he’d got his knob out and scrawled ‘WHITE RULE’ across his face with a marker pen. And, in a way, that’s probably for the best – Rachel’s first dance was an Argentine Tango to When Doves Cry that was technically decent but about as sexy as an episode of How It’s Made. Rachel’s second dance was an American Smooth that was so slow it felt like we’d downed three bottles of Night Nurse before watching it. Which we had, but that’s beside the point. But who cares what we think? Chances are Rachel’s going to win the sodding thing on Saturday, isn’t she? Isn’t she? Total Strictly Come Dancing score – 75