Chances are you’re not as excited as we are about the return of Strictly Come Dancing. How excited are we? Quite excited. Beat that, losers.

What are we excited about? To see if Don Warrington can improve his form following his near dismissal from Strictly Come Dancing on Saturday? No. We want to see if Lisa Snowdon actually loves herself as she was making out on this week’s show. Dear God, we hope she doesn’t. That’d be obscene.

Anyway, we should really crack on with our Strictly Come Dancing recap of Saturday’s show. So here it is, and today we’re looking at Austin Healy and Mark Foster…

Austin Healy - Hey everyone, look. It’s a retired rugby player, just like there always has to be a retired rugby player in every reality TV show about dancing because it challenges everyone’s misconceptions about the masculinity of rugby and also because the players are hungry and unemployed and need money for food. Anyway, Austin Healy is on Strictly Come Dancing this year, and already he’s in the running to win it. One of the judges said Austin’s Waltz was the best opening dance by a man he’s ever seen, which is good because it detracts from the fact that he’s about 17 times less funny than he thinks he is. But was Austin Healy’s opening Strictly Come Dancing salvo any good? Christ knows. If you ask us it was about as exciting as watching a bloody lava lamp. Still, Austin Healy’s going to find it especially difficult to top the reception he received for that dance. It’ll be flaming hoops by week three, mark our words. Strictly Come Dancing score – 32

Mark Foster – Mark Foster is, if you don’t know, the swimmer who everyone thought was good until Michael Phelps came along and buggered everything for him. However, this just means that Mark Foster has come to Strictly Come Dancing with a renewed sense of purpose. Grey-haired and in possession of a body that’s half Iggy Pop and half pipe cleaner, everyone expected Mark’s first shot at Strictly Come Dancing to be an explosion of energy. It wasn’t, though. Instead he danced to Tennessee Waltz with all the vigour of a victim of carbon monoxide poisoning sufferer. The dance might have been good, or it might have been rubbish. To be honest we had a bit of a nap during it. But the Strictly Come Dancing judges seemed to think it was pretty average, too. Maybe they know that Michael Phelps kicks his arse at dancing, too. Strictly Come Dancing score – 22

Tomorrow we’ll look at how Gary Rhodes did at Strictly Come Dancing. SPOILER ALERT: He did shit.