Strictly Come Dancing or X Factor? It’s a question that’s divided the nation. You have to prefer one.
You have to. Even though deep down you realise that they’re both a bit insultingly crap. Anyway, if you prefer Strictly Come Dancing, today is your lucky day – the list of celebrity participants for this year’s series have just been announced. And if you like painfully long lists of people you don’t really recognise, then you’re about to be catapulted into heaven.
So here are the 2010 Strictly Come Dancing participants. Remember, some of these celebrities will be good at dancing, and some will be rubbish at dancing, and at least one will end up getting off with their professional dancer. But who? Well, Patsy Kensit, obviously. But we’ve already said too much. After the jump…
Matt Baker – Former Blue Peter presenter. Behaves identically to Tom Hanks in Big, which is as creepy as it is endearing.
Paul Daniels – 72-year-old midget conjurer. FUN FACT: Paul Daniels once had to go to hospital because his pee-hole started to heal up.
Goldie -A man who used to be cool but would now put on a tutu and knit fairies on Channel Five if a reality TV show offered him enough money.
Jimmi Mistry – Star of East Is East. The fact he’s being touted as ‘star of East Is East‘ should be proof that he’s not really the star of anything any more.
Scott Maslen – The one from EastEnders who had the most amount of trouble saying identifiable words during the live episode. Good job that moving all of your limbs with grace and split-second precision on live TV is easier than saying the words “It’s a motive” in the right order on live TV then, huh?
Peter Shilton – Former England goalkeeper. Hopefully Peter will replicate David Seaman‘s Dancing On Ice performance, and bludgeon his way through about six quivering,concussed partners. Fingers crossed, anyway.
Gavin Henson – Bright orange rugby idiot. Used to be married to Charlotte Church. Will adapt to ballroom dancing with such obvious glee that it’ll be sort of uncomfortable to watch.
Patsy Kensit – Ex-wife of every single celebrity ever. Future girlfriend of whoever gets to be her partner. Mark our words.
Kara Tointon – A woman who left EastEnders in order to turn up in newspapers once every six weeks wearing a bra. That’s about it.
Felicity Kendall – This year’s token older lady who everyone will fancy, and then let this fact go to her head, and then overdo it a bit, and then be eliminated from the show in early November.
Pamela Stephenson – Billy Connolly‘s wife. Psychologist. That’s about it.
Tina O’Brien – Either current or former Coronation Street star. We don’t bloody know. We don’t watch Coronation Street and we can’t be bothered to look it up.
Michelle Williams – The woman from Destiny’s Child. No, not that one. Or that one. The other one. Yes, there was another one. There was. There bloody was! Don’t look at us like that, there was definitely a third member of Destiny’s Child. There was. Oh, you people.
Anne Widdecombe – That fact that we’re currently vomiting, pooing, weeing, pulling our hair and punching ourselves in the face as hard as we can all at the same time prevents us from penning a description of what Anne Widdecombe will be like on Strictly Come Dancing. Sorry.