So far that’s two potential winners gone in Penny Lancaster and Gabby Logan, while Kate Garraway and Kenny Logan – a spam-footed embarrassment and a graceless thumping monster – are still in the running. Despite what the Strictly Come Dancing judges say, this is absolutely the right way to go. With anything luck, if this keeps happening, Kate Garraway will be crowned as the Strictly Come Dancing champion by Christmas. And that means a) anyone who took advantage of Kate Garraway’s long betting odds will be richer than they could ever imagine and b) Bruno Tonioli‘s face will explode.
Who’s going to win Strictly Come Dancing? Here are the Strictly Come Dancing betting odds for Kenny Logan, John Barnes, Kelly Brook and Alesha Dixon, with help from Paddy Power…
Kenny Logan - Maybe our expectations of Kenny Logan are too high, but in our entire lives we haven’t experienced disappointment on a scale that we experienced watching Kenny doing a Viennese Waltz to Flower Of Scotland on Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing. We were expecting all the things we’ve come to love from Kenny Logan’s dancing – borderline-obscene outfits, a fire-eyed look of fury, an impressive refusal to even attempt to dance to the music and an unsettling impersonation of a rapist committing a hate crime – but set to bagpipe music. And while the rehearsals looked promising – with Kenny Logan becoming so furious that he started battering his own face at one point – the actual Strictly Come Dancing routine itself was a let-down. Kenny was smooth, Kenny was graceful, Kenny – frankly – did a decent job. The Strictly Come Dancing judges even went as far as to tell Kenny that “You came out and you dominated that floor. No question, your best dance so far.” We feel sick. SCORE – 26; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 80/1
John Barnes – OK, we’ll admit that we were wrong. It wasn’t John Barnes’ shrinking frame that was stopping him from doing well at Strictly Come Dancing – it was the fact that he was being made to do dances that didn’t allow him to flail his hips around like a professional hula-hooper with post traumatic stress disorder. Because on Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing, John Barnes got to dance the Salsa to an unstoppably generic piece of music, and it was easily his most convincing routine of Strictly Come Dancing so far. Throwing his hips around like someone was prodding him in the arse with a cattle brand, John Barnes looked the happiest we’ve seen him since New Order let him do the World In Motion rap instead of Tony Adams, and it showed – the buoyant mood even rubbed off on the Strictly Come Dancing judges who declared that “I was bathing in the ocean of that cuban motion!” Again, we’re not really sure what this means. SCORE – 36; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 18/1
Kelly Brook – By getting picked up more than she was supposed to and waggling a cape around, Kelly Brook’s Strictly Come Dancing journey so far has been tinged with the sort of controversy that only a professional dancing judge could bother giving a shit about, but on Saturday’s show Kelly Brook had the chance that she was a dancer first and a controversy magnet second. And a rubbish actress third. Dancing the Viennese Waltz to Delilah, Kelly Brook really entered into the spirit of the song by repeatedly spurning the sexual advances of Brendan Cole – something that she probably managed to learn how to do by repeatedly spurning the sexual advances of Brendan Cole week after week in real life. And the routine was such a success that, for the first time in weeks, the Strictly Come Dancing judges didn’t just gargle and splutter like outraged pensioners afterwards, either, saying that “beauty and the beast have danced back into the fairytale.” We don’t know what fairytale they were talking about, but it’s probably a shit one. About dancing. SCORE – 36; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 3/1
Alesha Dixon – That’s it. We give in. There’s literally no dance that Alesha Dixon can’t do, aside from the dance that expresses forgiveness to her husband for boning Javine behind her back. Admittedly dancing a Salsa to a Michael Jackson song is closer than usual to her day job – shouting the word “Flava” over and over again while pulling her ‘street’ face, but she still managed to do it extraordinarily well, keeping perfectly in time with her partner and even grinding her bottom on his genitals convincingly, even though he looks a bit like an effeminate blonde Dracula mannequin. And the Strictly Come Dancing judges were so overwhelmed by Alesha’s dancing that they started hurling insults at her under the illusion that they were compliments. “You’ve got more hips than Cuba all put together. Hot hot hot!” is an insult, right? SCORE – 35; Current Strictly Come Dancing betting odds – 10/11
Next week: X Factor betting odds again. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Strictly Come Dancing betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.