Here at the ‘spray we contemplate life’s big issues. Third world debt: should it be cancelled? Civil Partnerships: will they help to foster a more tolerant society?

But lately just one issue’s been causing furrowed brows and pursed lips here at ‘spray towers. The Stock Aitken Waterman reunion: is it A Good Thing?

In the eighties Mike Stock, Matt Aitken and Pete Waterman produced over
a hundred hit singles and sold forty million records. Even Simon Cowell
would be impressed by that. But then the nineties came and the
self-styled ‘Hit-Making Machine’ seemed to lose its rapport with its
audience.

The teenage girls who once bought records by the likes of
Sinitta and Mel & Kim grew up. Dance fans were too busy dropping
aciiiiiiiiid to care about the latest Samantha Fox single. And the
gays… well, the gays still forked out for the choons but literally no
one else did.  The Holy Trinity, as those in the know like to call
them, went their separate ways. That is, until now!

Will Stock Aitken Waterman’s decision to twiddle knobs together again
be the saving of popular music as we know it? Or serve as the final
nail in its coffin? We just know that the spectre of Pete Waterman is
keeping many of you lovely little ‘spraylets tossing and turning come
bedtime at the moment. Giving you night sweats, even. So, lovely people
that we are, we’ve decided to analyse the issue for you in depth. We’ve
even used -wait for it- pros and cons.

The Stock Aitken Waterman reunion: Pros

• Stock Aitken Waterman produced Dead Or Alive’s You Spin Me Round. If
  you haven’t got pissed and danced like a tit to this song at least once
  in your life, you might as well never have breathed.

• The “tay, tay, tay, tay” at the start of Respectable by Mel and Kim
  gives more pleasure in six seconds than David Gray has managed in his
  entire career.

• We’ve all had enough of the meluabluntification of popular, as they say, music.

• Somebody’s got to produce Carol Thatcher’s debut single.

The Stock Aitken Waterman reunion: Cons

• Pete Waterman claims that he “inspired much of the Beatles’ early
  repertoire”. And that he “invented” disco. And that Especially For You
  by Kylie and Jason is the best record ever. Err…do you trust him?

• Pete Waterman currently owns twenty-six trains. If we keep buying his
  records the National Rail service will soon disappear entirely. Cripes!
  How would we get to work? Which form of transport’s tardiness would we
  have occasion to moan about? Would the phrase ‘train of thought’ vanish
  from the popular lexicon?

• Does the world really need another Sonia?

• Stock Aitken Waterman would probably be keen to produce the Chico single.

Ooh it’s a toughie, isn’t it? Stock Aitken Waterman pump out the tunes
the way an effluent pipe discharges waste into the North Sea: thick and
bloody fast. But we don’t want to kiss goodbye to our beloved railways
yet, do we?

Eek. We might even have to toss a coin to settle this one!
But…but no…C-Thatch edges it for the Hit-Making Machine. Hurrah! Worry
no more, ‘spray aficionados: the Stock Aitken Waterman reunion is
officially A Good Thing.

Now that we’ve made your mind up, why not buy 3 CDs of Stock Aitken Waterman Gold from CD Wow for £12.99 including free delivery

[story by Nick Levine]