Sting Possibly Likes German Hookers

Sting knows only too well that one of the benefits of being a touring musician is that you get to sample delights from around the world - Canadian maple syrup, Swedish furniture, German prostitutes, that kind of thing.

Well that's just a shot in the dark, anyway, based on the recent photos of Sting appearing to leave a German brothel midway through The Police world tour. Of course, any rumours that Sting visited a German brothel are completely unsubstantiated, and even if Sting did go to the brothel there's no evidence to prove that he wasn't just getting a massage or doing some research for a belated Roxanne follow-up. But still, if there's one thing guaranteed to drive us to the point of frenzied nausea on a Monday morning it's the thought of all the smug faces Sting pulls when he's in the middle of schtupping a whore. Thank god he didn't have his lute on him at the time, or we'd have just puked out our thighbone.

One of Sting's most famous songs regards him telling a prostitute not to put on the red light. You may have thought that this was because the idea of women making money from a series of grubby, pleasure-free sexual encounters with a string of men who quite possibly physically repulse them broke Sting's heart, but chances are Sting just wanted to get the hooker to turn off the red light because the low-frequency wavelengths put him off his stroke. Oh, how are we ever going to get to end of this post without blasting vomit over our arms and hands?

Anyway, it's well known that Sting is in the middle of a world tour with the reunited Police, playing to everyone from long-time Police fanboys to drunken idiots wearing toilet paper around their heads. Even though The Police aren't very good live, it doesn't matter - by the end of the world tour Sting will have made enough money to pay for that chef he sacked and probably some new houses too. Unless, of course, Sting blows all of his cash sticking it to a number of European hookers like it's going fashion.

And there's a sliver of a chance that Sting may have done that already, because one enterprising photographer has snapped him on the way out of a German brothel as the United Press International reports:

The 55-year-old performer was spotted outside the luxurious Relax nightclub in Hamburg late one night this week after a Police reunion concert. The Mail reprinted on its Web site pictures… of the "Roxanne" singer apparently trying to duck down in the back seat of a car. It is unclear what he had been doing inside. A spokesperson for the club said she knew a photo of Sting had been taken in the parking lot, but added: "No, no; he wasn't here." She declined to speculate about why he might have been in the Relax car park at 2:15 a.m. Relax describes itself as a strip club and promotional literature boasts how it is "frequented by more than 40 top models every night."  

Again, there's no proof that Sting actually had sex with any of the prostitutes - the brothel's website says that guests can just drink champagne, watch a strip show or go swimming if they want - and we're happy to believe that he didn't, mainly because it's the only thing stopping us from having some kind of full-blown mental breakdown. But even if he had been doing the nasty with a hooker, chances are that Sting wouldn't get in too much trouble - not only are brothels legal in Germany but Sting and his wife are thought to share a famously open marriage, to the extent that his chauffeurs sometimes think the whole thing is just a banjo-heavy sham.

Anyway, it's a free world and if Sting wants to have tawdry meaningless sex with a woman in exchange for a handful of sweaty coins then why can't he? After all, Sting could be going round kidnapping children for all we care so long as it stops him from making another effing lute album.

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Sting Spotted Outside German Bordello - United Press International