Hecklerspray knows tons of like totally cool and radical stuff. For example we have the knowledge of how to make the perfect bacon sandwich, use our good looks to get free takeaway food and how to kill endangered species with a handful of staples.
However, while we can’t share those secrets with you – because your head would explode through pure excitement – we are able to let slip that all these rock and roll OAPs who have reformed just to make money for their fans' pleasure are shit. People may have left us abusive messages and severed sheep’s heads in disagreement, but now Stewart Copeland – the one from recently-reformed The Police who nobody really knows – has admitted what we all knew, that his band is shit.
Like all the other millions of bands that have reformed from the dead like Take That, Crowded House and James, Sting recently woke up one morning and realised that he only had £7,525,245 in his bank account. Fuck, shit, bollocks! How would anyone be able to survive on that for the rest of their lives? Not very well apparently.
In order to be able to spend silly amounts of money on pointless things like a nine-door car, Sting felt it necessary to inflict his dire music on the world again. For months and months, people have been stroking their precious and overpriced Sting tickets in anticipation of seeing some old men knob around on stage for a bit. They’d sing some songs like the one Puff P Daddy Diddy nicked and everyone would be happy.
After the show of course, Sting would get all the money from rip-off merchandise sales and proceed to roll around in it, reassuring himself that he will still be able to fly all over the world in private planes. Actually that’s not true. What the money Sting generates for himself will probably go towards paying off the member of staff he booted out for getting all pregnant and stuff. However, it is not going as well as planned. Writing in his blog, Police drummer Stewart Copeland said:
“The audience is screaming with anticipation as I collect myself in the dark and start to warm, up the gong with a few gentle taps. But I'm overdoing it. It's resonating and reaching its crescendo before the stage has fully reached its position. Sort of like a premature ejaculation."
Copeland also described Sting as a 'petulant pansy.' Oh how we laughed while throwing darts at pictures of the band and using their CDs as drinks coasters and frisbees to cure boredom. Hopefully it will convince the more moronic of you out there who did pay shitloads for a ticket to either get a refund or flog it on eBay to other idiots who’ll pay even more to go and hurt their ears for a few hours with Stings wails and moans.
We’re gonna go and put some dubstep drum and bass on.
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