Steven Seagal! Under Siege 3! In Space! Almost Definitely!

Die Hard 4, Rocky Balboa and the new Indiana Jones were really all just warm-ups for one almighty action comeback movie – Under Siege 3.

Yeah, you heard. Buoyed up by the recent success of his peers, Steven Seagal has decided that he’s going to follow suit and make Under Siege 3. And there’ll be none of this ‘acknowledging the aging process’ malarkey, either – if Steven Seagal gets his way, then Under Siege 3 will be set in outer space where he’ll get to kung-fu a bunch of evil aliens.

So that’s Under Siege 3, coming soon to a theatre near you. Provided that the theatre nearest you happens to be the theatre playing inside Steven Seagal’s wonky and somewhat deluded brain.

There’s been such a glut of elderly movie stars revisiting their action roots lately that reaction to them has run the gamut from surprised appreciation (Rocky Balboa, Die Hard 4) to bemused hostility (Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull) to please-god-never-let-this-happen outright fear (Predator 3).

But there’s one upcoming action movie revival that literally defies reaction. One that, if you think about it in any depth for more than a couple of seconds, will overwhelm your mind with every possible human emotion and turn you into a vegetable. We’re talking, of course, about Under Siege 3.

The original Under Siege was, of course, a masterpiece of modern cinema. The perfectly feasible story of a chef who just happens to have the skills required to single-handedly defeat a gang of mercenary killers who just happen to be onboard the ship trying to steal a shipment of nuclear weapons, Under Siege won every Oscar going for an unprecedented five consecutive years, and made Steven Seagal so famous there’s at least one giant golden statue of him in every country in the world.

Then Under Siege was followed up with Under Siege 2: Dark Territory, which was shit.

But now Steven Seagal wants to get back in the ring and make Under Siege 3. And, just in case the thought of a portly 57-year-old man with a bad ponytail taking down a team of dangerous killers with his bare hands doesn’t sound ridiculous enough, don’t worry – Steven Seagal wants to set it in space. MTV reports:

“There are offers and we’re looking at them,” Seagal told MTV News. And he even has some ideas…of a more alien nature. “I personally want it to be something more modern. In other words I wouldn’t mind if it was about something more mystical or… maybe extraterrestrial in nature. Some real government top secrets instead of just the typical.”

Listen. If anyone who has the ability to greenlight movies is reading this, we want you to greenlight Under Siege 3 immediately. Immediately. Just call up Steven Seagal and tell him you want to make Under Siege 3. You don’t even need a script – just a spacesuit, some wires, 100 blokes dressed up as gun-toting aliens and the speed of reactions necessary to capture all of Steven Seagal’s ass-busting martial arts dynamite.

It’s such a brilliant idea. Part Under Seige, part X-Files. We’d definitely watch it. We’ve even thought up a proper name for the movie – Under Siege: I Want To Believe That Nobody’s Actually Thinking About Making This Bag Of Crap.

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Comments

  1. says

    “Check my pies” was the best line from the original film. Now he gets to call them moon pies and get some revenue in too. Everybody wins.

    Except us.

  2. OMGOMGOMGOGMOGMG says

    OMGOMGOMGOGMOGMGOMGOMGOMGOGMOGMGOMGOMGOMGOGMOGMGOMGOMGOMGOGMOGMGOMGOMGOMGOGMOGMGOMGOMGOMGOGMOGMGOMGOMGOMGOGMOGMGOMGOMGOMGOGMOGMGOMGOMGOMGOGMOGMGOMGOMGOMGOGMOGMGOMGOMGOMGOGMOGMGOMGOMGOMGOGMOGMGOMGOMGOMGOGMOGMGOMGOMGOMGOGMOGMGOMGOMGOMGOGMOGMGOMGOMGOMGOGMOGMGOMGOMGOMGOGMOGMGOMGOMGOMGOGMOGMGOMGOMGOMGOGMOGMGOMGOMGOMGOGMOGMGOMGOMGOMGOGMOGMGOMGOMGOMGOGMOGMGOMGOMGOMGOGMOGMGOMGOMGOMGOGMOGMGOMGOMGOMGOGMOGMGOMGOMGOMGOGMOGMGOMGOMGOMGOGMOGMGOMGOMGOMGOGMOGMGOMGOMGOMGOGMOGMGOMGOMGOMGOGMOGMGOMGOMGOMGOGMOGMGOMGOMGOMGOGMOGMGOMGOMGOMGOGMOGMGOMGOMGOMGOGMOGMGOMGOMGOMGOGMOGMGOMGOMGOMGOGMOGMGOMGOMGOMGOGMOGMGOMGOMGOMGOGMOGMGOMGOMGOMGOGMOGMGOMGOMGOMGOGMOGMGOMGOMGOMGOGMOGMGOMGOMGOMGOGMOGMGOMGOMGOMGOGMOGMGOMGOMGOMGOGMOGMGOMGOMGOMGOGMOGMGOMGOMGOMGOGMOGMGOMGOMGOMGOGMOGMGOMGOMGOMGOGMOGMGOMGOMGOMGOGMOGMGOMGOMGOMGOGMOGMG

  3. Adam from Columbus, Ohio says

    The writer of this article is a complete faggot.

    I’ll see you in the streets, Stuart.

    SEAGAL FTW.

  4. graphicartist2k5 says

    gee, now steven seagal can break alien’s necks, and do his ju jitsu, or whatever the hell it is on them too. *rolls eyes*

  5. Beth says

    I hate his movies so much that I watch them compulsively every chance I get.

    I hope I’m not the only one who has noticed that he runs like he’s having a seizure. And is a girl. It makes for hilarious foot-chase scenes.

  6. Wanghis Khan says

    Wow, Under Siege 2 was most definitely not shit, did you miss the patented “seagal rocket” when he shoots the butcher knife out of the bad cop from james bond- licence to kill’s hand? epic. and “What are you doing?” “I’m making a bomb.” awesome.

  7. Irunlikeagirl says

    Steven Seagal “runs like a girl” because he uses the most effective technique. If you try to run otherwise you are either 1. Going to get caught 2. Not catch your opponent.

    I bet that old man could kick your ass in less than 2 seconds.

  8. Fox McCloud says

    LMFAO! He has got to be kidding? Or are the anti-ageing [which happen to be failing miserably] pills affecting his train of thought? Aliens? What the fuck? Seagal’s last, say, 15 films have all been crap. He hasn’t matured well as an actor, he was much more animated and charismatic when he was young as is expected, but his health has clearly deteriorated badly since then. I mean really badly. In his newer batch of rubbish, low-budget films he seems lifeless and looks drowsy. He is either joking or has gone completely bonkers! What a loony! Seagal should just retire, because he’s ruining his legacy which was never anything amazing to begin with to be quite honest. This is too funny. The guy’s like 60 ffs. He whispers like a paedophile when he speaks these days too. “I aaaaamm goooing tooooo geeeet yyyooouuuu”…echo, echo. LOL….OMG I’m not superstitious, but I’m watching Mercenary For Justice for the first time and like 5 seconds after I wrote “I aaaaamm goooing tooooo geeeet yyyooouuuu” Seagal said it on-screen! LOL, nothing to it, but a bit weird. It just shows how crap the scripts are for bis films. Anyhoo, it’s embarrassing to see him like this. Seagal retirement fund. Someone open one for the poor fellow.

  9. steven seagal says

    at least hes making money and is an actor unlike u lot, even if his film was shit he still got a better car and life than you have haha

  10. furiouskid says

    Seagal was the man, but he has been shit since 1993 or so. I disagree about Under Siege 2 though, bad ass flick, lets not even compare it to real followup clunkers like diehard 2 (yeckk).

    But Under siege in space………. Seagal is definitely certifiably nuts by now, but…. if this guy were to loose weight and do his own old school fight choreography, I would probably be first in line.

    But Seagal loosing weight and doing his own fighting on screen is about a million to one…and the one time happened for exit wounds and since then he has became jabba again.

    “one thought he was invisible the other thought he could fly” seagal bitch!

  11. you_idiots says

    Apparently the author doesnt realize that Segall stars, directs, publishes.. etc 4+ films a year.. thats on the side of continuing to be a many master martial arts instructor, which is what brought him to America. Oh did i forget to mention hes also been a police for 20 years(now has a reality series) and even has 2 albums.

    Seagall just needs to get into politics now.. but really, hes a mans man and the real deal. Youtube some of his martial arts video’s where he really takes on 8+ targets simultaneously- thats the style of martial arts he has mastered in and still instructs: Fuck bruce lee.

  12. TIMOTHY ISAIS says

    STEVEN SEAGAL’S MOVIES ARE KNOWN FOR BAD ACTING… I WANT TO THINK THAT HE’LL FINALLY COME OUT OF HIS SHELL WITH THIS ONE. ALOT OF HIS MOVIES NEVER MADE IT TO THE BIG SCREEN. I HOPE THIS TWISTED IDEA OF HIS WILL BE A GOOD ONE. IF NOT, I’LL JUST HAVE TO DO SOME OF THAT CHING-CHONG SHIT ON HIM.

  13. Rob says

    It appears mr Segal is under many bad health problems and I bet he could not run 50 feet before a heart attack.

  14. DS says

    I can’t wait to see him take on the aliens from ID4! Or will it be a Predator this time: they already fought the Alien, I don’t think they can take down Seagal, no matter how many of them there are!

  15. says

    look eye would love a telepathic divorce from actor steven seagal he follows me in my dreams goverment dream spy remember my tattoos yes iam opening up next month a website eyes of a medium. this man comes in my dreams iam not a fan whats his problem pgt means polygraph test anyone that this actor follows me in my dreams and he loves putting me in a hypnotic trances and makes me masturbate. one moment eye sleep the next thing eye know he has me fingering myself. he wont stop telepathic divorce how does one person that is tewlepathic get a brain divorce frpm him rames saez is my dead father he is my witness so is moses vuku it means i love you st jude on this remark. all gods thrones never again iam going to kill u my way seagal told me that in my dreams my way, astral projection outer body expericences trancing channeling yes my mother carmen fonseca came from a voo doo occult past eye could see if he had good intentions for me but he just rapes me and tells me in my dreams he is going to hurt me its not right or fair. i have been keeping my dream jjournals my books where eye travel and eye have written down all my experinces the time the day the miniute the hour, the seconds. jolie eye hired as my spirit angelina jolie as my spirit ceo. neptune as well my ceos, he knows what iam saying . well i go to rehab monday he gets me high then sends me to rehab just remember moment of truth. nicco 1951 1952 have your fun now with me but when eye die remember judgement day. gov d spy the tattoos thats how bad he bothers me in my dreaMS EVERYTHING YOU ARE GOIN G TO READ IN MY EYES OF A MEDIUM ARE MY ASTRAL PROJECTION DREAMS. DREAM SPY OF SEAGAL SAEZ SACRED NEVER AGAIN AFTER EYE DIE OF MY CANCER