As the star of Steven Seagal: Lawman, you’d assume that Steven Seagal knows a thing or two about the law.

And perhaps he does. But nobody can be an expert on everything, so while Steven Seagal might have studied hard about subjects like narcotic raids, vehicular accidents and dog-handling, there’s a small chance that he might be a bit spotty when it comes to stuff like human trafficking and sexual harassment. We’re saying this because a woman is suing Steven Seagal for £650,000, claiming that he hired her as an assistant and then kept her as a sex slave, assaulting her at least three times during her employment.

Needless to say, nothing about this story is funny. Apart from the fact that it’s about Steven Seagal, who is a sweaty old dickhead. Sweaty old dickheads are funny.

Admit it, if you were browsing Craigslist and came across an advert looking for Steven Seagal’s next executive assistant, you’d jump at the chance. You’d quit your job, leave your partner, sell your house and live the dream. Imagine what being Steven Seagal’s executive assistant entails – maybe brushing his ponytail, or ironing his horrible kimonos, or searching Amazon for the latest bullshit new-age book on half-cooked spiritualism for him to read, or advising him to make more low-budget films about undercover cops who karate-chop helicopters out of the sky for a living.

Being Steven Seagal’s executive assistant would be awesome, that’s what we’re trying to say.

Not that Kayden Nguyen seems to think so, obviously. Because she actually applied for the Steven Seagal executive assistant job when it was advertised on Craigslist. And she got it. And if her lawsuit is to be believed, it was a horrible, horrible job to have. The Telegraph reports:

She claims that within a few days of starting Seagal told her that his wife “wouldn’t care” if she was “his lover”. She claims that over the next five days, she was sexually assaulted three times by Seagal. She says that during her first night on the job, Seagal demanded a “massage” and then proceeded to “treat Ms. Nguyen as his sex toy”.

In total, Kayden Nguyen is suing Steven Seagal for sexual harassment, illegal trafficking of females for sex, failure to prevent sexual harassment, retaliation, wrongful termination and false representation about employment, all of which have been denied by Seagal himself.

As upsetting as they are, though, we have to say that we find some of the allegations made against Steven Seagal a little hard to believe. Not so much that he’d hire an assistant on Craigslist and then use her as a sex slave, but more that he’s actually fit enough to sexually assault anyone.

Surely any unwanted sexual advances on his part could be countered by a brisk walk in the opposite direction. We’ve seen a few of the films that Steven Seagal has made lately, so we’re pretty sure that after about 15 quick paces he’d crumple into a sweaty, exhausted, useless heap. With a shit ponytail, obviously.

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