The greatest trick the devil ever played was convincing the world that he doesn’t exist. So said someone who has never seen a piece of musical theatre.
Everyone else who has been dragged to see a show – probably by their partner – knows full well the devil doesn’t just exist, but is making a healthy income selling Cats T-shirts in the foyer…
Is there really anything so ball-achingly tedious as watching a musical?
Someone must have had the idea first. "Well, Mr Ibsen, we like your play. Nice allusions between a caged bird and the female lead’s need for freedom of expression and everything, but how about we zap it up a little with some songs and rollerskates?"
Whoever thought of that was an shitehawk, and the industry they’ve created is equally rubbish.
Take ‘We Will Rock You’ as an example. The story – roughly – is this: a group of youths plan to overthrow their oppressive government before the Ga Ga Cops find them and drag them before the Killer Queen and consign them to oblivion across the Seven Seas of Rye.
For the love of God: NO.
They’re even getting into cinemas. hecklerspray made the mistake of going to see the Phantom Of The Opera movie. It was a girl thing. Most of this turgid experience was spent not looking at the screen, but searching around the cinema for suitable corners to take a razorblade and end the misery.
The fundamental problem with musicals is that when any music starts, you KNOW the narrative has to stop so some miserable old bag can sing a song about her ingrowing toenails or whatever.
Which brings us to today’s news: the movie, the classic movie, ‘It’s A Wonderful Life’, is being turned into a £7m West End musical. Why? Who on earth watched this movie and came to the conclusion that it needed a few more songs to really appeal to people?
A prediction: next year, people will be flocking to London to see this hot new adaptation, starring H from Steps and including songs such as "I Hate This Arseing Bank", "I’m-a Gonna Jump (Off This Here Bridge)" and "Bloody Hell, You Are An Angel After All And You’ve Shown Me That Life Is Worth Living. Thanks A Lot".
The only redeeming aspect of this news is that it’s being produced by the guy who did the Jerry Springer musical. So at least it might piss off a few Daily Mail readers…