Star Wars Geek Army Advance On Wrong Target

God, hecklerspray hates what Star Wars has turned into. The glory days of our action figure-collecting youth have been shat on by Jar Jar Binks and beat up by a ninjafied Yoda.

So here’s a newsflash that shouldn’t come as any great surprise: Revenge Of The Sith is going to be cack. It is, dammit. It’s going to have the same awful dialogue, psuedo-philosophical arse-posturing and emotionally-retarded ’storyline’ as all five previous films.

The only force hecklerspray feels upon hearing yet another cine-illiterate imbecile rant excitedly about ‘the fall of Anakin Skywalker‘ is the compulsive urge to slap them in their mewling schoolboy face.

Slapping which - at certain locations across the globe - would have to be done in time-staggered shifts. Because already the huddled masses of Loserville are staking their claims to sadness and camping outside theatres 46 days before the film is released.

Venture ye down to Grauman’s Chinese Theatre, Hollywood Boulevard: the apparently sacred first-screening spot for all five of George Lucas’s snooze-powered ’space operas’. There they’ll be: a long arching line of the great and girlfriendless, thermos flasks and tattered tie-in novelisations stretching to the horizon.

Just think about this. 46 days. 46. Imagine what you could do in that time. Write a novel, maybe? A spot of travelling? Meet new people and make new relationships and generally just live your life like a functioning human being.

Or you could stand on the street for 1,104 hours (that’s 66,240 minutes), all the while drooling in anticipation at the thought of seeing a bunch of digisted astro-muppets hit each with crap whirring light-sticks.

Tough choice, right?

Apparently this is all one big spiritual pilgramage. ‘This is still the epicentre for Star Wars fans,’ said one gentleman (who clearly hasn’t wasted his precious, precious time on this planet at all). Another added: ‘If the film is not playing at the Chinese [theatre], I have zero desire to see it at all.’

We’re glad you feel that way, pal. Because - according to Twentieth Century Fox - the nerdfest premiere won’t actually be taking place at Grauman’s at all but at the Arclight Theatre, a seperate location several blocks east.

Not that this has make the assembled sad sacks budge one little bit. They’re refusing to move, hoping that their presence will inspire the ‘powers-that-be’ to change their mighty minds and do a bit of rescheduling. Good luck, guys. Hope it all works out, and that … you know … maybe one day you move out of your parent’s house too.

Star Wars, then. A bit of a dog’s dinner all round.

And don’t even get us started on Lord Of The Rings …

Click Here And Realise How Cool And Fulfilled Your Life Is In Comparison

[story by C J Davies]