Spring Breakers audiences this weekend were left baffled as they exited cinemas across the country when the film did not result in the film’s main characters ultimately ending up in a snuff film arranged by James Franco’s character “Alien.”
While many professional critics have raved over the last several weeks about this film as a raw look into the nihilistic aggression of the hedonists among our wayward youth, average audience members with any goddamn sense knew that this was just an excuse for Harmony Korine to get a bunch of teenagers into bikinis and more provocative states of undress, make them look like morally bankrupt whores and call it “satire.” Said audience members thought the natural culmination of that would be in a brutal snuff ending. They were mistaken.
Things had already begun to go wrong in the theaters as several women born between 1979 and 1991 fell victim to flashbacks of being subjected to the histrionics of similar faux lesbian duos from their high school years. Being reminded of the girls who drew dicks on everything and wore thongs under their cheerleading uniforms, many burst into panicked tears at the memory. Several were escorted out into waiting ambulances as remaining audience members sat certain that the film would end 8MM style.
Featuring innumerable crotch shots, an uncomfortably long scene featuring gun fellatio, and enough “Fuck me if you dare” looks from Vanessa Hudgens to max out a cell phone’s photo capacity, it was shocking to many that not a single one of the spring breakers featured in the film died a horrible death at the hands of the deeply misogynistic anti-hero of the story, played brilliantly by James Franco.
Margot, a PhD student, exclaimed, “It was just so strange to me. From the word “go” this movie was clear about its thesis that young women are vile, sex-crazed lunatics. To end the film with only a single bullet wound among all four of the female characters was more confusing than that crime spree montage to a Britney Spears song.”
Glenn, a fraternity brother and noted asshole complained, “I totally thought that hot chick from Witches of Waverly Place was gonna get it. I was wrong man, so wrong.” He wimpered as he left the theater, too bummed out to even finish eating his jalapeno nachos.
Several moviegoers were certain that the repeated mantra “Spring Break Forever” was the foreshadowing of their imminent deaths, dooming the girls be on Spring Break for eternity as their short lives ended in some rented ranch-style suburban meth heap in St. Petersburg.
Audiences left shaking their heads, and not only because they had been forced to look at the impossibly handsome James Franco in those hideous teeth for 90 minutes. How could a director hate young women that much and not kill any of them in his most mainstream film to date? They wondered aloud, but no answers were immediately forthcoming. Critics and participants in the film muttered something about satire and intentional desensitization and went on their merry ways.
Britney Spears and Youtube sensation Riff Raff were not immediately available for comment.