Sport is rubbish.

Don’t argue. It is. It’s the sort of grunting, primitive genital-swinging nonsense that should have died out with the dinosaurs, witch-burning and Lynne Perrie.

But – apparently – a lot of people like sport. To them, the very idea of kicking a ball around and hitting each other when it doesn’t land where they want it to is the bestest most special experience in the universe times infinity.

And – what with the ever-decreasing profits seen in cinema chains last year – some crazy Americans have come up with a crazy sport-related plan.

Ticket sales for the big screen dropped by an alarming 9% last year. So – instead of doing something remarkably novel like persuading the studios to make better films and pleading with the authorities to cut down on DVD piracy - National Amusements Chain President Shari Redstone has announced that he wants cinemas to become "community entertainment destinations." And he argues:

"What better way to do this than sports?"

Well, Shari… here’s an idea. How about educating kids to realise that any sport (DVDs) – any – is a shockingly worthless waste of everyone’s time and that – seeing as we live in a culture where we have nigh-on immediate access to over two thousand years of philosophical, intellectual and creative endeavour – to even have the slightest interest in sport (or "SPORT!!!!!" as the relentless BBC announcers like to call it) is actually rather silly? Ignoring this idea completely, Redstone waffled:

"We are not just putting the game up on the big screen but making the experience like being in Fenway Park (US sporting-like place). The experience is more important, really, than what you are showing."

Absolutely. Hopefully cinema-goers will now be able to indulge in the wonderful culture that mass sporting events allow – such as furious racist attacks, drunken annihilation of peaceful holiday destinations and the general lowering of social standards the nation over.

Having said that – couldn’t be any worse than Big Momma’s House 2, could it?

Read More:

Live 3D Sport Plan For US Cinemas – BBC

[story by C J Davies]