Spider-Man 4 Coming To Ruin Your 2011
Then buzz it up
June 23rd, 2008 at 18:00 by Stuart Heritage
There are sequels that nobody wants to see and then there are sequels that nobody wants to see - and Spider-Man 4 is one of those sequels.
Despite Tobey Maguire not really wanting to make Spider-Man 4, Sam Raimi not really wanting to make Spider-Man 4 and an entire planet of people who've had enough time and money stolen already not wanting to see Spider-Man 4, Producer Laura Ziskin has announced that Spider-Man 4 will be released in May 2011.
Awful news, we know. But on the plus side Spider-Man 4 can't be any worse than Spider-Man 3 - that is unless someone decides to give Spider-Man a crime-fighting Scrappy-Doo style son and they go into space together to save the world from global warming and… no, wait, then it'd still be better than Spider-Man 3. No omelette scenes, you see.
Make a list of all the things you'd hate to see in a superhero movie. What's on it? Several extending singing and dancing numbers? A goodie who turns bad when he brushes his hair a certain way? So many villains that they only get about a nanoblip of screentime each? A mid-film interlude about how fun it is to dance the Twist and cook eggs at the same time? Congratulations, you've just described Spider-Man 3.
Spider-Man 3 stands as one of the most clueless big-budget studio movies of all time; a film where the writer, studio, director and each individual actor tried to make a completely different movie. Spider-Man 3 was such a mess that Kirsten Dunst said she didn't want to make Spider-Man 4 before it was even released, and then went off for a boozy little meltdown in rehab afterwards. And Kirsten Dunst was in Marie Antoinette, so she knows cack when she gets paid to star in it.
But even though Spider-Man 3 looked like a franchise-killer of Batman And Robin proportions, it's not over yet. Last week producer Laura Ziskin told cinemas that Spider-Man 4 is still going to happen, and it'll be released in less than three years too. Firstshowing reports:
Producer Laura Ziskin told theaters owners on Thursday that Spider-Man 4 is tentatively scheduled to arrive in May of 2011. Although rumors have been circulating surrounding both Sam Raimi and Tobey Maguire's return, nothing is concrete yet. The farthest they've gone is to pay Marvel to secure the rights yet again, which is at least confirmation that they will continue.
There isn't a script for Spider-Man 4 yet, but one is apparently being written by James Vanderbilt, who wrote Zodiac (good) and a film that had John Travolta in it (bad). But however Vanderbilt's script turns out, it still can't be any worse than Spider-Man 3's for the simple fact that it wasn't written in purple wax crayon by a farting egg-fixated toddler.
And only then can discussions start seriously. If the script's good enough, Sam Raimi will direct it. If the money's good enough, Tobey Maguire will return to star in it. And if there's a trail of vodka miniatures leading from her house to the film set, we don't doubt that Kirsten Dunst will make an appearance as well.
Phew! If that happens, it'll be business as usual. Except, you know, Spider-Man 3 was business as usual as well, and that made us want to vomit blood into a bucket. And then drown ourselves in all the blood-sick. And then set ourselves on fire.
So, yeah, more of that please.
Read more:
Spider-Man Will Return in 2011! But Do We Want Him To? - First Showing
Related and recent:
- Mechanical Death Spider
- More Spider-Man Flicks After Spider-Man 3?
- Kevin Federline Fitness DVD Coming To Ruin Your 2009
- Bryce Dallas Howard To Be Spider-Man’s Girlfriend?
- That Bloke From Babe Joins The Spider-Man 3 Cast
- Kirsten Dunst: Spider-Man Is Nothing Without Me! Nothing!
- There Ain’t No More Spider-Man For Tobey Maguire
- Spider-Man 3 Still Box Office Number One, Despite Being Rubbish
June 24th, 2008 at 11:56 am
I dunno dude, I always thought the Spiderman series ROCKED! The last few have been excellent.JThttp://www.FireMe.To/udi
June 24th, 2008 at 12:08 pm
One thing that will always amaze me is how big studios keep investing in a franchise despite negative criticism from their fan base. Sure you cannot make every fan happy and eventually every franchise will fade away - thanks Jaws and Rocky. However, the studios are like rats going barge to barge. As soon as there is a sign of it sinking they jump off and ride the next one till it fails as well. Remember the late 60’s early 70’s? The studios took more risks and launched careers of some of the finest filmmakers. Now, instead of making a good film the studios; and the once fine filmmakers; build a great marketing campaign. After every trailer it should read - Not as good as advertised.
June 24th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
[...] Spider-Man 4 in 2011 [...]
June 24th, 2008 at 5:33 pm
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
June 24th, 2008 at 5:51 pm
i mean spiderman 3 had mixed reviews. It all depends on your opinion. I actually thought it was the best of the three. So i don’t know if it was as bad as this guy is saying.
July 3rd, 2008 at 5:10 pm
i dont know about that guy trashing the spiderman movies but i thought that they were all good films, i hope they make a fourth movie.
July 5th, 2008 at 7:15 pm
Whoever wrote this blog us a moron the spiderman series is great so screw you…..
July 8th, 2008 at 12:10 am
wtf r u guys talking about sp3 sucked ass, im a a serious 100% marvel and especially spidey fan, venom looked like a faqqot black carnage, and hob goblin…oops my bad i meant green goblin 2… which was never in the effing comics!! so eff you sam raimi, if i were the marvel studios, i’d regret making you the director… you sucked!! how hard was it too make goblin look like goblin in prt 1 and oinly doc ock and sandman were perfect, plz make a 4th buiut new cast and crew, the only ones that should stay is J.K Simmons, and Tobey mcguire, thats it… effing idiot, you ruined every fans dream of a perfect spidey film since 2003… eff you raimi
July 10th, 2008 at 3:58 am
am I the only one who noticed that the spidey films are completely different then the comics in a bad way. I mean not using web cartridges? come on. that’s one of the main things in spider-man - he’s always running out of web during a battle. that also takes away the main point of the black suit which provides unlimited webbing. And also..WTF was the point of sandman killing uncle ben? that takes away the whole reason for spider-man even being spider-man - to fight for justice for uncle ben because of the guilt for not stopping his killer. I am a diehard spidey fan, but I enjoy the animated series and comics more then the movies simply because of all the changes.
July 13th, 2008 at 3:20 am
Ok, so I don’t know why on Earth anybody could think like this guy at all. I know pretty much everything there is to know about Spider-Man, and the 3rd was pretty much the most accurate. Yes, Spider-Man definately has like 5 people out 2 get him at all times. Yes, Harry became the 2nd green goblin in the comics. Idiots like this need 2 shutup & actually read a comic every now & then. Yeah ok, Sandman didn’t kill uncle Ben, but that’s it. Maybe you guys should get the sand out of your vaginas & go yell about the Harry Potter movies or something
July 13th, 2008 at 10:53 pm
guys, you haven’t watched sm3 properly, because at the end it turns out that it is that thief pushed sandman and it’s the thief’s fault… so there you go. no change there…. i think firts is great, second is greater and the third is the greatest. can’t wait to see 4 and 5… i hope they DON’T change Sam and Tobey…
July 14th, 2008 at 6:17 pm
Toby Maguire looks constipated in every shot, oh and Mary Jane (Dunst) she just looks bored. I’ve seen all three, they get worse, longer and waste more of my time. I will watch the 4th, mostly because I want to how they can stink it up more. So far my fav. is how “bad” spiderman was really just a jackassed nerd that went crazy with a blow dryer, had bad dance moves and DEMANDED cookies with nuts. He is so hard core. Can’t wait to throw up in my mouth a little again.
July 18th, 2008 at 6:25 pm
WTF are you talking about Spiderman-3 WAS THE BEST ONE.THIS GUY MUST BE ONE OF THOSE ASSHOLES WHO JUST HAS TO PUT SHIT DOWN
July 21st, 2008 at 4:20 am
OMG!Whoever wrote this…your fing awsome i love you!EVERYTHING you said was trus especially the part about throwing up blood(which I did just with undigested food though)
July 21st, 2008 at 4:40 pm
I don,t know how that guy can say that spidey 3 is rubbish, I think it is the best spidey so far!!
July 21st, 2008 at 5:14 pm
If you think Spiderman 3 was any good at all you are severely retarded.
July 25th, 2008 at 3:44 am
u have no clue wat ur talking about dude. spiderman 3 was good, u are completely wrong. the only people who didnt like it were jewish people. And maybe u should get ur facts right before u make bad jokes. oh and the green goblin 2 was in the comic V3nom. so suk it.
July 25th, 2008 at 9:38 am
I think spiderman 3 was fine the part i dident like was whan tobey was acting gay
July 25th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
Why did the Jews hate Spiderman 3? Is there some connection between the Nazi interpretation of the Nietzschean ubermensch and the “man as becoming” thematic elements present in Spiderman?
Or are you just some white trash faggot whose cousins should have never conceived you?
July 26th, 2008 at 6:03 pm
Thank God Spider-Man 3 has finally gained a common consensus that it sucked balls. I was so disappointed by that movie, it just couldn’t have been worse. I’ll be surprised if the 4th Spider-Man isn’t close to as bad and draws in less revenue that it costs to make.
August 6th, 2008 at 8:36 am
hey, im on both sides here. but the spiderman series are good movies, fun to watch. but, they aren’t spider-man, nor peter parker. everything is wrong. 3 is a good movie i thought, but too many villians. peter acting retarded thinking he was cool was dumb, i pretty much walk out of the room at that part cuz of how ridiculas it is.
overall not bad.
however, i think they need a new actor for spider-man. tobey isn’t cutting it. he’s not acting like the real spider-man.
i actually can’t wait until the company taking spider-man ends it’s contract and new marvel filming can take over, have you seen Hulk and Iron Man, now those are marvel movies.
but back to the point. wat do you remember most about spiderman? the comics, the cartoon, the games?
his dry, dumb, yet funny sence of humor.
dont get me wrong toby cna play one hell of a geeky peter. but when it comes to spider man.
not once have i heard any dry humor that the character should portray.
either new actor, or teach toby some lessons on how to play as spiderman in the suit.
one example is if you’ve played Marvel Ultimate Alliance, the begging scene i LOVE.
it plays all the characters so well (it is marvel game so duh)
but Captain America cutting ppl with shield.
Thor flying with hammer through ships.
Wolverine jumping like a madman saying he doesn’t take orders slicing ppl.
then spider man, jumps up on a ship says “this isn’t the staton fairy” and webs the guy throws him off, etc.
jumps back down, wolverine is screaming and laughing like a madman on a ship that’s crashing with him on it.
and spiderman goes to help captain america says
“looks like you could use some… (captain kills them all by using shield as boomerang) .. help?”
then as wolverine crashes down he says, “I don’t know about you, but that dude scares me sometimes”
.
that is the real spiderman. that’s how he talks. toby w/e doesn’t do any of this sort of thing which irritates us for not portraying the character correctly.
August 15th, 2008 at 3:04 am
hey Searon how about you make the f’in movie and lets see how good you make it, no one cares about the comics because its all about the money and you’ll just have to deal with that
August 30th, 2008 at 8:33 am
IF YOUR THINK THE MOVIE IS BAD THEN DONT WATCH.
Don’t post shit like this because you hate it, I hate the authors of those films that grabs all the recent movies and make a comedy.
September 2nd, 2008 at 3:51 am
you all heard that raimi actually admitted he wanted to do a bad job with venom right.He said i brought nothing to the series and intentionally fucked up the 3rd film.I say new director and reboot the series.Mysterio kraven carnage the hunter fuck id even except a redone eddie brock buff the fucker out and pjut him back out there.The punishers doin it why not spidey
September 3rd, 2008 at 5:19 pm
This story is stupid. I think Stuart Heritage’s column has ruined 2008.