hecklerspray hates it when those famous-types won't listen to us.

Like that time we wrote to Halle Berry with those brilliant Catwoman sequel ideas. Man – that erotic litterbox scene would have been an absolute killer. If only she'd paid attention. In fact, if only there were any celebrities who would heed our word, instead of ignoring us or hanging up the phone or bribing judges to come up with utterly unfair 'restraining orders'. We have so much advice to offer.

The Spice Girls, for example. Think of the pearls of wisdom we could dispatch to them: stuff like 'please don't reform, you pointless menopausal dance-troupe' or 'hey gals! We've heard that arsenic kicks the shit out of cocoa in the bedtime-drink stakes.'

But no. Apparently they don't want to hear any of that. Apparently the only advice they want is about where to perform a gig or something.

Ungrateful wretches.

The Spice Girls, as we're sure you're aware, have got back together, reassembling themselves for a recent photo shoot which didn't so much provoke nostalgia in hecklerspray as Ebola-style convulsions and big stabby headaches. Not to mention a flashback to that Going Live! phone-in where they all tried to be cheeky and funny but ended up looking like a hen night dosed up on Junior Disprol.

This upcoming 'farewell' tour (girls, we heard you say bye the first time, honest) will spray itself Diarrhoea-style over 11 separate cities – with an added extra location tacked on for good measure. The Spice Lasses, you see, have been inundated with pleas from desperate fans to include their city in the tour itinerary. And now they're giving those same desperate fans the chance to vote on this very issue.

The girls combined literary talents to push out the following press release:

"We are so excited about the fantastic response that we have had from everybody registering to come and see us on tour. It means so much that people want to see the five of us together again on stage. We've had loads of messages from people all over the world asking why we weren't performing in their country. It's impossible for us to perform everywhere but we thought why not let our fans decide where we play? This is your chance to turn your city in to 'Spice City'! All you need to do is tell us where you want to see us! The city with the most votes will become 'Spice City' and we'll definitely come and play there as part of our tour."

Most alarming, of course, is the imminent re-naming of one poor location as 'Spice City', meaning that the adopted place will forever be associated with a silly pop group rather than the things that make British town centres great: firebombed cars, empty bottles of White Lightening, and Wetherspoons Pikey-fighting tournaments.

Oh. And floods.

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Spice Girls To Let Fans Choose Venue For Concert - IOL