The UK music scene has been missing something for a number of years now – specifically it's been missing a fat shouting man, a bit-part actor, a bloke who's in a band with one of Buck's Fizz, a TV advert sofa salesman and a drummer.
That's Spandau Ballet, if you hadn't already guessed. Spandau Ballet are all set to spectacularly reform, it was revealed yesterday. OK, that's not strictly true – Spandau Ballet might be set to spectacularly reform. OK, that's not completely true either – Spandau Ballet might be set to spectacularly reform in about four years' time if fat singer Tony Hadley gets his way. Possibly. Even though everyone from Spandau Ballet openly hates everyone else from Spandau Ballet. And this is the biggest news in England today.
Spandau Ballet were the band who had it all, if by 'had it all' you mean a spectacularly awful wardrobe, a pointless rivalry with Duran Duran, a name inspired by the house where all the Nazis lived and a back catalogue of two songs that people only remember because they've been repeatedly pounded over the head with them at all kinds of dreadful wacky student indie discos. And now Spandau Ballet are set to reform, following in the footsteps of The Police and Rage Against The Machine and, um, 5ive.
Well, OK, not quite; the real story is that Spandau Ballet singer Tony Hadley went on Shane Richie's Virgin Radio show – which sounds like a non-stop riot of exaggerated cockney laughs, we're sure you'll agree – the other day and sort of ambiently waffled about the vague possibility of Spandau Ballet sort of reforming perhaps one day if any of them can be bothered. Here's Tony Hadley's quote in full:
"There'll have to be an awful lot of things remedied because things did get personal and it went a bit too far. The next window of opportunity that I see would be our 30th anniversary, in about four years' time."
If Spandau Ballet do reform, it'd end one of the bitterest splits in pop history. Back in 1999, Tony Hadley – along with Spandau Ballet members Steve Norman and John Keeble – attempted to sue songwriter Gary Kemp for a £1 million share of songwriting royalties, but lost.
If you're wondering why Tony Hadley thinks that Spandau Ballet needs a four year advance notice before the reunion, remember that the former members of the band have a lot on at the moment. Tony Hadley needs to keep up his tireless dedication to appearing in crappy reality TV shows, Gary Kemp still has occasional episodes of Casualty to appear on to remind people that he's an actor and not a washed-up 1980s pop star, Steve Norman is inexplicably in a band with one of Bucks Fizz, John Keeble is… well, who cares about what John Keeble is doing and – as for Martin Kemp – how many other former members of 1980s new romantic bands can say that they have a badly animated cartoon of themselves on a sofa warehouse website? That, son, is the big league.
Why are we suddenly being so awful about the vague possibility of a Spandau Ballet reunion? Because we feel slightly responsible for it, that's why. Just a couple of weeks ago we mentioned the petition to get Spandau Ballet song Gold installed at the British national anthem, and now all of a sudden Tony Hadley wants to get the band back together. A coincidence? Maybe, but you can't blame us for protecting our backs, can you.
Read more:
Els says
Is it really necesarry to slag people off like this? The tone of voice in the article above disgusts me. Stuart, please do everyone a favour and go and find yourself a life!
Han says
I agree with Els. I wish Spandau Ballet the best, if they do decide to get back together again. I’m a Duran Duran girl and I love a bit of Spandau. :)
Soph says
I love a bit of Spandau :)
Should totally get together again soon :)
reidmail says
What idiot wrote this ?
I think you must be about 12. In time if they are lucky enough to be remembered the Ting Tings, Duffy and Amy Winehouse will be advertising Morrisons, Asda etc….
At least they were something, you (unnamed?!) that wrote this drivel will never be.
Yo mama says
Slagging off an iconic 80s band make you feel big?
Oh sorry dude, didn’t mean that, I forgot you wrote for Heckler Spray, you’ve made it in life man.