Sorry Ladies, You Won’t Be Seeing Nicolas Cage’s Treasure Anytime Soon

Nicolas CageThe world sucks sometimes. You get a speeding ticket, you drop your phone in the toilet playing Temple Run, and then you find out that there’s no such thing as Nicolas Cage’s stolen sex photos.?

Damn, all hot and bothered for nothing. Earlier this week, dirty photos of the global sex icon were apparently stolen from his ex-girlfriend’s house and mere days away from being splattered all over the world wide web for our viewing pleasure. No sooner had our dreams been dangled underneath our nose than they were rudely snatched away again by Nicolas himself. Way to ruin millions of women’s weekends, dude.

Where do you find the sarcasm font on this thing?

A handyman that worked for Christina Fulton – Nicolas’ ex-girlfriend and mother to his son – has been charged with felony burglary after his arrest in April. Ricardo Orozco allegedly stole four computers and a box of photos from Christina’s home, but apparently not very well. He’s pleading not guilty ?and appears back in court at the end of November.

We’ll get to the box of photos in a second. First of all, who needs?four?computers in their house? Secondly, how did he allegedly manage to steal the first three without anyone noticing? That’s almost impressive.

Nicolas Cage and Christina Fulton

The box of photos in question apparently contained photos of Nicolas Cage and his then-girlfriend doing the sex, which you know would be exactly the kind of thing that Orozco was hoping to find by stealing a stranger’s personal pictures. Unfortunately, he might have been sorely disappointed, because the man himself told Access Hollywood:

“Explicit photos of myself and Ms. Fulton simply do not exist and never have.”

You big tease, Cage. I bet you’ve done some freaky shit in your time.

If you happen to be disappointed that you won’t be seeing Nicolas Cage’s National Treasure (badum-tsh), you might want to re-evaluate your life. If you’ve re-evaluated and are still disappointed, then may I suggest signing this petition to cast him in 50 Shades Of Grey.

Don’t say I never do anything for you.