If you’ve been waiting to hear what hot new pop combo The Beatles sound like, then you’re in for a spot of bad news.

Paul McCartney from The Beatles has announced that none of his band’s music will be available on iTunes for the foreseeable future because everyone is arguing over money. But Paul McCartney says he wants The Beatles on iTunes, EMI wants The Beatles on iTunes, and iTunes wants The Beatles on iTunes, so all is not yet lost.

Until then, the music of The Beatles is still available on something we’re told is called a Seed Ee, and you can put these Beatles Seed Ees into your computer and download them onto iTunes that way. But this Seed Ee-buying method does involve leaving the house, and that’s so old-fashioned that they may as well be asking to go into the woods and kill Beatles songs with rocks for food. What do we look like, bloody Luddites?

As we speak, The Beatles are everywhere. You can buy CDs by The Beatles, movies by The Beatles, books about Beatles, posters of The Beatles, soon there’ll be a videogame about The Beatles and if Paul McCartney has his way you’ll also be able to buy 14 unlistenable minutes of The Beatles pissing about on drugs. The Beatles are everywhere.

OK, not everywhere. Type ‘The Beatles’ into iTunes and you’ll be presented with the following albums:

* A Tribute To The Beatles by The Silver Beatles

* The Bornagen Beatles Play The Beatles Greatest Hits

* Butchering The Beatles – A Headbashing Tribute

* Lullaby Renditions Of The Beatles by Rockabye Baby

* The Bingo Kids Sing Beatles Hits For Kids

That last one, by the way, is so close to being a work of demented genius that if we don’t finish this post it’ll be because the overwhelming power of it hypnotised us and drove us insane and we had to throw ourselves out of a window to rid our bodies of its evil. But we digress.

The thing you don’t get when you search for The Beatles on iTunes is The Beatles. But this isn’t something that anybody wants, which is why The Beatles had been working with EMI and Apple to fix this issue in recent months.

Notice the word ‘had’ there. According to Paul McCartney, the talks are mired up in all kinds of red tape and it’ll be ages before everyone realises that nobody cares either way because they all borrowed their dad’s Beatles CDs and downloaded them onto their iPod about four years ago. Reuters reports:

We’d like to do it,” McCartney was quoted as telling the BBC. “We are very for it, we’ve been pushing it. But there are a couple of sticking points, I understand. Last word I got back was it’s stalled at the moment,” McCartney added. “But I really hope it will happen because I think it should.”

Despite Paul McCartney’s caginess over the exact issues preventing The Beatles from being included on iTunes, we think we have an idea – iTunes wants a bigger slice of the sales, EMI wants a bigger slice of the sales and Paul McCartney is waiting for Ringo Starr to die so he can sell all the old Beatles albums under the new name Paul McCartney Presents: Paul McCartney And The Paul McCartney Four Sing The Hits Of Paul McCartney And A Couple Of Other Dead Blokes.

We’re only joking, of course. But The Beatles had better hurry up and get their act together – they longer they keep iTunes waiting, the more people will think that iTunes only included Ringo Starr’s solo albums in its catalogue because it actually likes his music. And that’s nothing short of a bloody insult.

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