If you’re a Robert Pattinson fan, we have some bad news – Rob loves his dog more than he loves any human.

But it gets worse. Robert Pattinson is also allergic to vaginas. Honestly, he said as much in a recent interview with a magazine that made him stand next to a naked woman for a number of hours, so it must be true. But it gets worse – Robert Pattinson also has a face that looks like it was constructed by a satirical sculptor who only works in the medium of papier mache.

That didn’t come up in the magazine interview, by the way, but that doesn’t make it any less true.

The golden age of the celebrity sex tape may be a distant memory, but there’s no reason to be disappointed. It looks very much like it’s been replaced by the golden age of male celebrities who appear to be oblivious to how much of a dick they’re making themselves look in magazines. Not as catchy, admittedly, but it’s no less fun.

First of all we had Channing Tatum and his story of the very burnt penis, then John Mayer’s admission that his penis was a bit racist was such a sensation that he doesn’t want to be famous any more. And now we can add Robert Pattinson to that list, because he’s told a magazine that he’s allergic to vaginas. No, really. OK! reports:

“I really hate vaginas. I’m allergic to vaginas. But I can’t say I had no idea, because it was a 12-hour shoot, so you kind of get the picture that these women are going to stay naked after, like, five or six hours. Thank God I was hungover,” Robert jokes in Details Magazine. “The only emotional connection of relevance is with my dog. My relationship with my dog, it’s ridiculous.”

Why Did Robert Pattinson decide to inform planet Earth that he’s allergic to vaginas? We’ve given this some thought, and we’ve come up with the following theories…

1 - Robert Pattinson really is allergic to vaginas.

2 - Robert Pattinson isn’t allergic to vaginas, but he just wants his female fans to be more inventive. Maybe declaring a vagina allergy will force them into sending him pictures of something else, like their chin or a local area of geological importance.

3 - Robert Pattinson isn’t allergic to vaginas, but he just said it to make Kristen Stewart more comfortable with being a eunuch.

4 - Robert Pattinson isn’t allergic to vaginas, but he thinks that saying so might make Taylor Lautner tell Teen People magazine that bumholes give him a rash or something.

5 – Robert Pattinson just declared an allergy to vaginas because it’s less emotionally painful that admitting that he’s an empty, characterless spiritual void of a man who has got this far in life purely because of his haircut, and that he often just stares at himself in the mirror mouthing the word ‘why?’ to himself again and again with what he believes is an anguished look on his face.

It’s probably the first one. Or neither of them. Oh, we don’t know.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter