If you’re a Robert Pattinson fan, we have some bad news – Rob loves his dog more than he loves any human.
But it gets worse. Robert Pattinson is also allergic to vaginas. Honestly, he said as much in a recent interview with a magazine that made him stand next to a naked woman for a number of hours, so it must be true. But it gets worse – Robert Pattinson also has a face that looks like it was constructed by a satirical sculptor who only works in the medium of papier mache.
That didn’t come up in the magazine interview, by the way, but that doesn’t make it any less true.
The golden age of the celebrity sex tape may be a distant memory, but there’s no reason to be disappointed. It looks very much like it’s been replaced by the golden age of male celebrities who appear to be oblivious to how much of a dick they’re making themselves look in magazines. Not as catchy, admittedly, but it’s no less fun.
First of all we had Channing Tatum and his story of the very burnt penis, then John Mayer’s admission that his penis was a bit racist was such a sensation that he doesn’t want to be famous any more. And now we can add Robert Pattinson to that list, because he’s told a magazine that he’s allergic to vaginas. No, really. OK! reports:
?I really hate vaginas. I'm allergic to vaginas. But I can't say I had no idea, because it was a 12-hour shoot, so you kind of get the picture that these women are going to stay naked after, like, five or six hours. Thank God I was hungover,? Robert jokes in Details Magazine. ?The only emotional connection of relevance is with my dog. My relationship with my dog, it's ridiculous.?
Why Did Robert Pattinson decide to inform planet Earth that he’s allergic to vaginas? We’ve given this some thought, and we’ve come up with the following theories…
1 – Robert Pattinson really is allergic to vaginas.
2 – Robert Pattinson isn’t allergic to vaginas, but he just wants his female fans to be more inventive. Maybe declaring a vagina allergy will force them into sending him pictures of something else, like their chin or a local area of geological importance.
3 – Robert Pattinson isn’t allergic to vaginas, but he just said it to make Kristen Stewart more comfortable with being a eunuch.
4 – Robert Pattinson isn’t allergic to vaginas, but he thinks that saying so might make Taylor Lautner tell Teen People magazine that bumholes give him a rash or something.
5 – Robert Pattinson just declared an allergy to vaginas because it’s less emotionally painful that admitting that he’s an empty, characterless spiritual void of a man who has got this far in life purely because of his haircut, and that he often just stares at himself in the mirror mouthing the word ‘why?’ to himself again and again with what he believes is an anguished look on his face.
It’s probably the first one. Or neither of them. Oh, we don’t know.
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april says
its a joke,wake up people
chris says
LOL!
james says
Did any of you ever think that maybe just maybe the girls in the shoot had stinky Vaginosis Vagina’s which for some reason seems to strike only the hottest of woman (my brother is an OBGYN) and I don’t envy him, because as much as I would like to dip into every vagina I come across, some are just … well, foul.
so unless this boy is riding the old baloney pony, we have to look at all the facts before we tear him to shreds.
Truth Troll says
Is anyone really supprised?
I mean come one the guy turned the most mocho undead creature of the night into a sparkling lame pathetic image of what a prince of darkness should be.
Vickie says
What a stupid, stupid article. Stupid. I think this little fellow is too intensly intersted in Robert Pattinson’s sexual tastes.
mary says
I laughed out loud reading this piece. So sick of Robert Pattinson and his “tortured soul”. Get over yourself Robert! So sorry you don’t like v-jj’s but maybe you should learn that every stupid thing that comes into your head should not escape your mouth.
shooty* says
*speechless*
We have a master at work here… misogyny, missing the point, over-macho-ism, sweeping generalisations, homophobia.
I am in awe.
Chris says
This article is trash. What is wrong with society?
kww says
He’s gay…left right and center…
ZACH says
Facts like how to spell ‘Bologna’
Mari says
One theory you failed to add is what an allergy does…it makes one swell (as in an erection)…and so that’s why he is glad he was hung over! He was joking…I know straight men want to bash Rob because their girlfriends are all drooling over him and the gays guys want it to be true. If you are a fan you would know that this man is more than just a pretty face. He’s incredibly witty, intelligent, talented beyond belief and is extremely humble despite it all. Get over it! Mr Pattinson is not gay. Your fans love you Rob!
CArcajou says
I vote for number 5…
shyz says
IT CAN”T BE !!!! LOL IT CULD BE
Bennie says
You guys are pretty slow. You haven’t figured out the joke, yet?
He’s allergic to them becuase they make his Co*k swell
Lisa says
I agree. I read that this quote was not published in its entirity and that he was, in fact joking about the allergy making him swell up. However, having said that he needs to get a PR person real fast and clear this up one way or another because his mostly female fan base, such as myself, would like to know.
Jennifer says
You guys wouldn’t know a joke if it jumped up and smacked you in the faces. Get a life!
TOM-TOM says
Just goes to show—Dogs are really a mans best friend…
charlies says
Dudes this is not a joke, well not really. He actually finds vagina’s revolting and cannot stand to look at them, much less be anywhere near one. He said he would probably feel the same way about penises except that all throughout middle school he was constantly exposed to them in the gym locker room. He believes that it is this experience that has made him much more comfortable around penises. He also states that he believes that vagina’s probably do not taste very good, although he is not sure about that. However he is quite certain that many penises have a pleasant flavor to them.
mUTHAMEDIA says
Regarding #3 – Surely you intened “Kristen Stewart more comfortable BEING WITH a eunuch”. Kristen is no eunuch my friend…she has brass balls.
mUTHAMEDIA says
Sorry- I intended, “intended”.
Zeeshan says
For a Guy who could bang any girl on the planet, its really disappointing to hear
him say this
I have Come to a conclusion that he’s gayyy,”!!,!
Harts says
I’m with Zeeshan on this. Gay gay gay.
Though theory #5 is also quite plausible.
katia says
HE WAS JOKING…MORRONS…YOU CAN’T GET THE JOKE WHENHE SAYS HE HATE VAGINAS HIS BEEING SARCASTIC AND WHEN HE SAYS HIS ALLERGIC HIS SAYING IT MAKES HIM ‘SWELL’…CAN’T BELEIVE I’M A GIRL AND I GET THE JOKE…IT’S A BRITISH JOKE: IT GOES LIKE THIS:
The old British vaudeville joke goes like this: Man: Doctor! I think I’m allergic to vaginas! Doctor: Why do you say that? Man: Because I swell up every time I see one! He was referencing the old joke.
rebecca says
Yeah, I’m going with #5 as well. Get over yourself Robert. He’s a talentless troll.
Sunny says
I certainly would not be one to rush for the epinephrine injection… he’d just have to retain the ‘swelling’.
Bluey says
What a cocksucker, he might choke on the feathers.
Margot Magowan says
If it were me there interviewing him, I would have asked Pattinson to clarify:
truth says
oh please get over your self the article is making fun of robert pattison for say some very stupid things can you blame them robert made a joke the article made a joke pull the big rod out of your ass and really to say whats society like we just called his mom a cunt is so immature is unbelievable and ridicules stop riding your own dick ass wipe
Leave R-Pattz alone says
@Rebecca, So are you, “Becky”. Oh I forgot, maybe you do have one talent.