Sorry Girls, George Takei Is Off The Market

Ladies, we know that when someone’s making love to you, you’re really fantasising about George Takei - but it’s too late.

That’s because, ladies, we’re sorry to admit that George Takei has got married. Your dreams of Mr Sulu appearing at your doorstep on a white steed to whisk you away to a life on unparalleled luxury are worthless now, because this weekend George Takei got married to a very lucky lady by the name of Brad Altman.

Huh, Brad Altman. That’s a funny and oddly-masculine name for a lady to have. In fact, looking at George Takei’s wedding pictures, his new wife bears an uncanny resemblance to a balding grey-haired man in his mid-fifties. Poor woman. Still, she must be great in the sack to snag a pussy-magnet like George Takei, so who are we to judge.

Oh, alright. Look, we know George Takei is gay. How could he not be? His most famous, career-defining role was as an overdramatic spacemen who wore campy, brightly-coloured unitards - and we all know that everyone who does that is clearly as gay as can be. Everyone. Everyone.

But before he announced his homosexuality to the world a couple of years ago, George Takei had managed to do a pretty incredible job of fooling the world, by living in perfect happiness with his boyfriend for over 20 years. Fiendish, fiendish man Takei.

However, you can’t say that of George Takei any more, because he no longer lives with his boyfriend. No, now George Takei lives with his husband, because he and Brad Altman got married last night in a Buddhist ceremony in Los Angeles so perfect that not even an unexpected slick of Lieutenant Uhuru’s disgusting conjunctivitis gunge could derail it. People reports:

“All I can remember is what the priest said,” Takei told PEOPLE after the ceremony. “That this moment will never happen again. It’s something to savor.” “I was fighting back the tears,” said Nichols, who played Uhura on the Star Trek series. “But they came oozing out anyway. I’m so happy that they’re both able to legally proclaim their commitment to one another after spending the past 21 years together.”

We’re sure that George Takei and Brad Altman will love married life because, as demonstrated when they announced their engagement, the two of them are in love. Completely in love. The kind of love that makes everyone who’s not them secretly wish they one of them would fall down a hill and shatter their pelvis, just because it’d make them shut up about how much they love each other, if only for a second. It’s sweet, really.

But anyway, as well as being a lovely ceremony between a loving couple, George Takei’s marriage to Brad Altman also had a deeper meaning. No, not that civil partnerships between loving homosexual couples can no longer be denied, but that Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson can kiss it if they think they can beat George Takei to all the exclusive magazine gay marriage photoshoot cash. Ah, romance.