Did you hear that? Seal up his tomb! Superglue the lid of his coffin down! Someone wants to kill Michael Jackson!

This is serious! Michael Jackson can’t be allowed to die more than once this year. That’d just be careless on his part. What? Oh, Michael Jackson received death threats before he died, but the FBI has only just got round to releasing the files? Oh, OK. Well they’d better be good death threats to justify being in the news, then?

What? Someone threatened to kill Michael Jackson, everyone at a Michael Jackson concert and the president of America in order to get half of Michael Jackson’s estate and catch the attention of an unnamed woman? Oh the FBI, this is the greatest Christmas present of them all.

Things might have got a little out of control in the Michael Jackson stakes this year, with his sudden death sparking rumours of ghosts and all-child tribute acts and brain removal and that shouting kid from Britain’s Got Talent but, now that 2009 is almost over, it’s time for the FBI to remind us all of a very important truth – Michael Jackson may have been weird, but his fans were considerably weirder.

That’s applicable for all Michael Jackson fans – especially those who dress up as him and take part in televised seances – but it goes double for a man called Frank Paul Jones, who could well be the bonkersest Michael Jackson fan of all time.

We’ve got the FBI to thank for this. It has just released its files on Michael Jackson, running from the early 1990s until his death. And, while the files might be light on incriminating child-molestation information, at least Frank Paul Jones managed to liven things up by writing a series of genuinely ridiculous threats concerning Michael in around 1992. Our favourite parts of his correspondence:

I decided that because nobody is taking me serious… I AM going to Washington DC to threaten to kill the president of the United States George Bush… PS: I dear you to call this a bluff.

Michael I will personally attempt to kill if he doesn’t pay me my money. If I’m crazy I’m going to jail.

I’ll commit mass murder at a Michael Jackson concert if necessary, in an attempt to murder Michael.

I’m 33 years old and never had a real relationship in my life, I can’t even slow dance.

The Federal Government knows who “I AM”, and they know the deal. If it was about money, I already monopolized the world and I’m only 33.

My interest is that half of Michael’s estate is mines, my proof is if he doesn’t pay up I’m going after him.

Then he starts to go on about how much he likes Earth Wind and Fire and how he’s the son of man and stuff. There’s 200 pages of this. If you get the time, you really should download the files. You probably won’t be able to sleep for a couple of nights afterwards, but at least it’ll be fun.

Anyway, the moral of the story here is probably that you shouldn’t try to threaten Michael Jackson because he’ll always get the last laugh by waiting 17 years before fatally overdosing on medical-grade anaesthetic. Or something.

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