That Suri Cruise is a bit of a crazy old recluse, isn't she? Suri has been alive for more than three months now, and yet she's still hiding away out of sight. if we were Tom Cruise we'd be worried about his daughter's obvious shyness.
So antisocial is Suri Cruise that the old 'Suri Cruise doesn't exist' rumours have never really gone away. But now there's been an official sighting of Suri Cruise, from Jada Pinkett Smith. Sure, we're fully aware that Leah Rimini says she saw Suri Cruise a few weeks ago but, since we're not completely aware of who she is, we're going to entirely disregard anything she says.
The Great Suri Cruise Mystery has a plot thicker than any of Tom Cruise's movies. And rightly so – any baby born of such incomprehensibly huge publicity hunger should expect nothing less. We all know the Suri Cruise stories; that Tom Cruise told Katie Holmes to shut up during birth, that they might have chowed down on Suri Cruise's placenta, that Tom Cruise wants Katie Holmes to squeeze another nine babies out before he dispenses with her. All these stories, and yet nobody has actually seen Suri Cruise.
Not even Suri Cruise's birth certificate can convince people that Suri Cruise is real – it was apparently registered too late, only signed by a 'friend' of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes and the attendant wasn't in the room when Suri was born. There's only one way that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes can prove that Suri exists, and that's with a Madame Tussaud's waxwork Suri, damnit! Or, failing that, a statement from a woman who was in The Matrix 3.
Will Smith's wife Jada Pinkett Smith isn't the first person on the planet to have seen Suri Cruise – Leah Rimini has publicly acknowledged seeing her too – but since Jada Pinkett Smith isn't a Scientologist who is mostly famous for being the inexplicably hot wife of the fat bloke in King Of Queens – we believe her slightly more. Jada told People magazine:
"She's one of the sweetest babies I've ever met in my life. She's an absolute beauty and she's Daddy's little girl. She's got a head full of black, beautiful hair. She's beautiful and they're very happy and they need to be left alone."
And we'd believe Jada Pinkett Smith too, if not for one thing. Tom Cruise was in Collateral with Jada Pinkett Smith. Jada Pinkett Smith's husband is Will Smith. Will Smith was in Hitch with the fat bloke from King Of Queens. The fat bloke from King Of Queens was in The King Of Queens with… Leah Rimini. That has to mean something, doesn't it? Doesn't it? Anyone? Hello?
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[story by Stuart Heritage]
Christian says
I’m gay.