We don’t know what’s worse – the recession or the thought of Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s terrifyingly fertile uterus.
OK, it’s definitely the uterus thing. Because Elisabeth Hasselbeck from The View is pregnant again. We’ve lost count of how many children Hasselbeck has now, but we think it’s about a million – almost enough to entirely repopulated the planet with billions of tiny shrill indignant right-wing nutsacks.
Apparently Elisabeth Hasselbeck didn’t even realise she was pregnant, putting her stresses down to ‘election fever’. We know the feeling – we once thought we were pregnant, but it was actually just Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s voice giving us tit-ache.
It’s a simple fact that being pregnant makes a woman more right-wing – if you ever knocked a leftie like Susan Sarandon up, within days you’d see her stop weeping about wrongly-incarcerated rapists and start bellowing about tax cuts for the wealthy and trying to kick passing immigrants in the mouth. That’s a given.
So just imagine what being pregnant does to Elisabeth Hasselbeck, The View‘s resident screeching, world-hating Republican. Even when her womb is empty Elisabeth seems to spend the bulk of her time wailing about the immorality of abortion rights for rape victims at such a frighteningly high pitch that she can actually vibrate the skulls of bats until they explode, so now that she’s got pregnant again we think we’re going to spend the next few months cowering in a lead-lined bunker in case she decides that she wants to annex us or something.
Yeah, you heard right. Elisabeth Hasselbeck is pregnant again. Despite only giving birth to her last baby just over a year ago, Elisabeth Hasselbeck and her husband – let’s call him Target Of The World’s Pity Hasselbeck – have gone and done it again.
Only this time it’s different, you see, because there’s a funny anecdote attached to it. Get this, right, Elisabeth Hasselbeck didn’t even realise she was pregnant! She thought she was getting tired and fat and nauseous because of the US election last year! How chronically hilarious. The Boston Herald reports:
?We were thoroughly happy with the surprise of it,? she said. ?I didn't even know for two months!? While attending the inauguration earlier this month, Hasselbeck didn't feel too well. ?I was tired, I was nauseous, I thought I was worn out from the whole procedure,? she went on. ?No. I was knocked up and didn't realize it.?
What an adorable story. We’d like to extend our hearty congratulations to Elisabeth Hasselbeck and her husband – and especially their unborn child who, one day, when it asks its mother and father where it came from, will receive the heartwarming response “You see, sweetheart, me and your daddy had lots of angry hate-sex when we realised that a black Muslim liberal Democrat was going to be president, and then you came out.” Romantic.
Ailor says
I think who ever wrote this article is the one with hate in their heart. She is a Christian, get over it. Oh I
sharon says
Wow!! I don’t care for Elisabeth H. but aren’t you being a little harsh??!! BTW, you spelled “realize” wrong over and over, except when you quoted the Boston Herald – at least you copied it correctly. Sorry, thing’s that are incorrect or wrong just pop out at me – it drive’s me crazy, but good or bad it’s a quality that I just can’t ignore.
Wayne Allen says
Now there is an article that was written by some who needs another profession. Frankly is it pretty sick and full of hate speech. I hope you own the rag you write for because that would be great for your job security.
Wayne
Stuart Heritage says
Just in case it gets lost in the pile, here’s Sharon’s quote again:
“Wow!! I don
Ironlung says
come now Heritage, you don’t expect an american to realiSe where their language came from do you? or in fact that other nationz exizt? or in fact, other people outzide of their perzonal zpace exizt?
you uzed to be cool.
Joke Police says
We must recognize that America is the center of the univerze.
K Wheeler says
Ok. EH kills me, I think she’s terribly annoying and has the intellect of a peanut, but this article is poorly written! Who cares that she’s having another baby? Who cares that she didn’t know? Who cares?
The definition of journalism has broadened to the point of cheap and whorish gossip. This man is embarrassing to Democrats, Republicans, and Americans across the board.
Give me a break!
Alex says
I don’t watch the View because I can’t tolerate this women’s intolerance.
She makes the Obama election that much more wonderful. I’m so glad that the majority of Americans are not self righteous
sartash says
If people want to comment about people what about the woman in Ca who just had 8 babies when she already has 6…and no mention of a husband….Now thats something to talk about. Leave Elizabeth alone.
momo says
UGH!!! Yet another mini republican in the making. It’s a good thing her hubby doesn’t have a job, someone has to stay home and take responsibility for all these kids she keeps having. Maybe she’ll grow a conscience and stay home with her kids, that is where she belongs and I’m not just saying that because the sound of her voice makes me wanna puke!!
Fhardison says
Most of you still don’t see the bigger picture and just will never get it. This chasm and polarization of conservatives being the bad guys is wonderful news! It means you still don’t understand the truth and continue to live life blind with both eyes wide open. Anyone of wisdom who seeks knowledge and knows prophecy knows it is these same conservatives that do have the right ideals and as in the days of Noah were, so shall it be in the last days. But don’t bother building an ark kids. It’s been done before and big brother won’t allow you to do so without a permit! Here’s a wish list for left leaners – make it a part of your wish list as so many of you alre3ady do… that all conservatives just disappear so you can run things right… um I mean left. Enjoy the last 7 years ya’ll!
Elizabeth is a beautiful woman in every way. I love it. Another beautiful blessing of God.
Cogito says
Sarandan is sufficiently self-centered (spelled Liberal) that she would have a partial-birth abortion before she would assume the responsibility of motherhood.
Nice article, Dweeb.
Cindy says
Yeah, it sounds like the person writing this article is a sad, lonely person with nothing better to do than to bash other people who are better than them. It must really suck to be that sad and angry.
Elisabeth Hasselbeck, on the other hand, stands up for what she believes in, (gasp! how dare she!) and is a great role-model for young women in my opinion.
StuntmanMike says
Pretty unprofessional opinion piece.
Town Square says
Congratulations Elizabeth Hesselbeck. May God continue to bless you with a large family. And, may they all be Saints, and Populate Heaven. Pray for the Attention Grabbers, who even write that they “fear” fertile wombs. I guess men and women who fear fertility don’t apprciate their own Generative Processies, so they trash everyone who does. Pro-Contraceptive, Pro-Abortion folks, are so cynical. Its family loving folks, who are Open to Human Life, and Open to the Creator’s Will, are the most pleasant to listen to on The View. Everyone on the View, should support Elizabeth’s Decision to welcome new life. At least she uses her body for what God intended, it to be used for.
Amanda says
I hate this Hasselbeck bitch, and all these stupid-ass christians who are SO upset because they are now the writhing little minority and the majority of Americans just want all of them to take a vacation off the face of the earth. Hey, I wonder if Ted Haggart will baptise the thing? Funny how the right-wingers are all on opiates or having illicit same-sex relationships. And Cogito, if you don’t like the U.S.’s stance on abortion, move to 17th century England. Stupid little person.
beeepboppppp says
hahah stuart heritage sounds like a big asshole. writing about worthless shit that no one cares about. i think you must just have a big nasty crush on her and cant handle your boyish feelings. get a fucking life stuart heritage. worrrrthlessssss.
magnetite says
Frichardson. There is a wish list “that all conservatives just disappear so you can run things right”; only it’s not a liberal one. It’s the fucking Rapture. Well, I call it ‘being harvested for food Quatermass-style’, but you’ll probably call it the Rapture.
Four minutes after all the bumpkins, NRA boys and neocons vanish, America will become a Socialist paradise. Freed from the extra weight and hate, she will become so bountiful that milk will run from rocks, tasty fish will gladly leap from the rivers into our skillets and all trees will spontaneously bear fruit. The land herself will smile upon her people.
Why four minutes? That’s how long it will take for everyone left in the US to say “Thank fuck for that”.
magnetite says
That would have worked much better if I had got his/her fucking name right. I should have cut and pasted.
E. Bunny says
Do any of these people realise that they are reading a site that lampoons the news? Do any of these people know what the Oxford English dictionary is? Do any of thes people understand what a rhetorical question is, or will they answer these questions?
Journalism has expanded to include electronic medium.
This site isn’t journalism; it is satire. Class, define the word “heckle.”
People can make fun of what they wish. There is no such thing as more important things to ridicule. We may not like it when someone ridicules something, but posting on websites and pretending that you are above the topic is hilarious. when you do it on a site that isn’t really serious your assumption make others point and laugh at you, but it is all good.
I love the who dichotmist thinking that the all the Hasselbeck supporters are locked into. Like a big meeting exist on two sides and noone can think outside of the lines drawn by Hasselbeck’s their “side.” You are either for ’em or the devil. It’s like they were raise by the Momma from “The Waterboy.”
Susan Sarandon has kids idiot. What does she have to do with Elizabeth? She’s on the “other side,” so you are making a point? Nope. That’s not a point. That’s just more cousin-dating Hatfied vs.the Mcoys, Joe-the-too-sorry-to-take-the plumber’s-licensing-exam talk.
Sharon *is* a brilliant satirist, but Stuart needs to stop driving on the wrong side of the road.
euclid says
Seems to me like Liz has a lot of time on her hands and that those
baby-naming books are finally being put to good use. Settle down Liz.
You are Unlove incarnate. The Truth is not always pretty, Liz, and your alleged prettiness is not Truth. Neither your narrow-minded mouth noises.
I respect your right to spout stupid, childish, insular opinions; more to the point, I respect my own right to judge you an idiot for what you say. That holds for much of the above as well. And for all you Jesus Toads who might be thinking “judge not, lest ye be judged”, I suggest a mirror and a new prescription.
HT says
My eyes are quite wide, after reading this thread. Quite, quite wide. This is the world we live in, people, where unchecked hatred supposedly has the last say. Next thing, the lot of you will probably proclaim that “God” exists, or something similarly extraordinary.
chance says
How did these fucking cretins find their way to hecklerspray? This is a slice of fried gold Stu, keep up the work.
pub says
You’re disgusting, Stuart. Why do you liberals want such a hateful, grotesque world?
pub says
–“all these stupid-ass christians who are SO upset because they are now the writhing little minority and the majority of Americans just want all of them to take a vacation off the face of the earth”–
History repeating itself, Amanda the Nazi.
magnetite says
Maybe its Amanda the visionary, pub. I can see it now. A GOP colony on Mars. It’s already in a red state. It’s the god of war…you’d love it. You’d have to live in deep holes in the ground, but you’d have yourselves another frontier ready for moustache twirling land grabs, needless extra-judicial hangings and drilling holes in prospectors and taking their stuff.
It would be just like the High Noon-in-space remake Outland, except you wouldn’t wind up being gunned down by James B. Sikking after going berzerk on drugs and trying to kill a prozzie. Unless you wanted to of course.
Mike says
I came here just to get a better view of her tit’s and instead, I’m exposed to homo rage. Speaking for us straight guys, I would have been trying to ram my seed into her a day after our child’s birth so I don’t think a year between births is too soon.
sarah says
ARHHH this woman drives me nuts. I can not have this show on, she makes me want to throw things at the tv. Her and her imaginary friend she calls god need to disappear together.
David Gurney says
Obama is still a mack daddy.
Jermzy says
Mate you’re an idiot. As far as her politics go I don’t usually agree with her as I’m a far left bisexual commy but she get’s her point across in a nice enough way, she’s relatively open minded (she has friends from all walks of life) and is just a sweet person in general. You want to know what ignorance is? Putting political labels on people and using that as justification to degrade and ignore them as human beings. You must have a pretty sad life only associating with people who think just like you.
On another note are you freaking kidding me on her looks? She’s bloody gorgeous. You’d be damn lucky to knock her up- she’s hot and no amount of rhetoric can change that. She was what kept me watching Survivor and she’s yet another reason to turn on The View every morning.
Jill says
You are ridiculously mean to somebody who has done nothing to you. She only has 3 kids, its her decision and its none of your business. Just because she doesn’t share the same views as you doesn’t give you the right to display such hate. It seriously looks as though you need a hobby because this is just sad.