OK, it’s definitely the uterus thing. Because Elisabeth Hasselbeck from The View is pregnant again. We’ve lost count of how many children Hasselbeck has now, but we think it’s about a million – almost enough to entirely repopulated the planet with billions of tiny shrill indignant right-wing nutsacks.
Apparently Elisabeth Hasselbeck didn’t even realise she was pregnant, putting her stresses down to ‘election fever’. We know the feeling – we once thought we were pregnant, but it was actually just Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s voice giving us tit-ache.
It’s a simple fact that being pregnant makes a woman more right-wing – if you ever knocked a leftie like Susan Sarandon up, within days you’d see her stop weeping about wrongly-incarcerated rapists and start bellowing about tax cuts for the wealthy and trying to kick passing immigrants in the mouth. That’s a given.
So just imagine what being pregnant does to Elisabeth Hasselbeck, The View‘s resident screeching, world-hating Republican. Even when her womb is empty Elisabeth seems to spend the bulk of her time wailing about the immorality of abortion rights for rape victims at such a frighteningly high pitch that she can actually vibrate the skulls of bats until they explode, so now that she’s got pregnant again we think we’re going to spend the next few months cowering in a lead-lined bunker in case she decides that she wants to annex us or something.
Yeah, you heard right. Elisabeth Hasselbeck is pregnant again. Despite only giving birth to her last baby just over a year ago, Elisabeth Hasselbeck and her husband – let’s call him Target Of The World’s Pity Hasselbeck – have gone and done it again.
Only this time it’s different, you see, because there’s a funny anecdote attached to it. Get this, right, Elisabeth Hasselbeck didn’t even realise she was pregnant! She thought she was getting tired and fat and nauseous because of the US election last year! How chronically hilarious. The Boston Herald reports:
?We were thoroughly happy with the surprise of it,? she said. ?I didn't even know for two months!? While attending the inauguration earlier this month, Hasselbeck didn't feel too well. ?I was tired, I was nauseous, I thought I was worn out from the whole procedure,? she went on. ?No. I was knocked up and didn't realize it.?
What an adorable story. We’d like to extend our hearty congratulations to Elisabeth Hasselbeck and her husband – and especially their unborn child who, one day, when it asks its mother and father where it came from, will receive the heartwarming response “You see, sweetheart, me and your daddy had lots of angry hate-sex when we realised that a black Muslim liberal Democrat was going to be president, and then you came out.” Romantic.