Here at hecklerspray our lives are just as grim as any soap opera. Collectively we’ve had 17 love children between us, try to murder each other on a daily basis, turn to the bottle frequently and judging by the smell, none of us own a washing machine.
Still, once a week we put our lust and hatred to one side to bring you news from Soapland, where real people live and not just fictional characters like us.
In Eastenders this week, Michael Moon is angry. He still hates his dad and when his brother Tyler shows up out of the blue he gets so angry he starts sleepwalking. IN ANGER. He then decides to become pant sniffingly obsessed with baby stealing Ronnie when she starts going on and on about being mental, thinking that he’s found his soul-mate. As if that wasn’t bad enough, he starts manipulating everyone to the point of annoying, resulting in Alfie punching Jack and Jack fake bleeding from his face.
In other news, Janine goes to work at the chippy scrubbing floors, much to the delight of everyone who has nothing more important to think about and after getting chucked out by her landlord Billy agrees to let her move in. Shirley is still Zelda, Max and Tanya are still at it and a wee birdy shat on Arthur’s bench. Probably.
Over at Coronation Street, Stella steals a picture of Leanne and hides it in her purse which she then leaves lying around for Peter to go through and question her about it. How convenient because otherwise we might never have known that STELLA IS LEANNE’S MOTHER!! Of course she is. Who else would she be? This doesn’t go down will with daughter Eva who’s so overly dramatic, even her own lying mother wallops her one in disgust.
As it’s Jason’s birthday, Becky decides to throw him a party with a dirty stripper at the Rovers which of course turns into a massive riot with chairs and tables being hurled in every direction. Steve returns and tries to bribe Becky to leave but will she? NO SHE BLOODY WON’T.
We’re not happy.
For those who prefer to have their soaps set in some countryside, Emmerdale viewers will be delighted to know that this week Declan discovers that sneaky Ella and Adam have been doing it with each other behind Mia’s back. Of course Adam denies it but Declan tells him to leave and even threatens to destroy the farm if Mia ever finds out about the affair and tries to keep Mia safe from the knowledge that her mother has been riding her boyfriend like a rodeo clown. Ella is thrown out on her arse and like every good soap this week, someone get slapped. Brilliant.