Hello soap fans, have a good weekend? Did you all wake up covered in vomit and shame this morning? Excellent news, you’re all disgusting and that’s why we tolerate you.
Last week was exciting in Soapland wasn’t it? All that stuff happened and then that other stuff happened too! Yeah we didn’t watch any of it but we looked back at our spoilers last week and they were utterly compelling.
Ready to sober up and read this drivel? Fantastic.
First up it’s Eastenders?where Jack and Roxy hate each other and are still squabbling over that child they call Amy. Is that even her name? We don’t know. ?We do know what you’re thinking about all this though- ‘On Friday the courts will decide who gets custody and then we can all move on and look forward to Heather’s death!’?but sadly those sneaky writers decided that Jack and Roxy need to turn all of that hate into second rate couch sex meaning Ronnie will find out, escape from?prison, go nuts and start stealing babies again?because?that was a excruciatingly?stupid?really brilliant?story line?which needs to be repeated. ?So who gets custody of Amy? Who cares. This isn’t real.
The new Lucy decides to?thwart Mandy’s wedding dress fitting which is excellent news as it gives us an excuse to use the word ‘thwart.’ ?Lucy throws some coffee over Mandy’s wedding dress after claiming to have seen a mouse, ?resulting in a big fight in the Queen Vic with Lucy facing the wrath of Salter. ?Our favourite person on Eastenders Kim, organises a date with someone called Sinclair and when Ray jokes about her being ‘easy’ she decks him, with another slap aimed at Sinclair for having a stupid name.
Finally Bianca tries to kiss Ray and he recoils in horror. Understandably.
Next we’re off to Coronations Street where Carla is still getting a hard time at the factory. Peter suggests they move away from everyone and despite our cries of ‘F**KING DO IT!! GET OFF MY TELLY YOU BLAND SOAP ACTORS FROM HELL!!’, Carla decides to stay and front it out. Bitch.
Tracy plays loud music to wind up Steve. Tracy turns the heating down to wind up Steve. ?Tracy must be stopped.
Jason and Rosie’s sexy story hits the front pages of the Gazette. When Owen sees the story he sacks Jason and Rosie is dropped from her road safety campaign but then cheers up when she’s offered a screen test for a new reality TV show. ?It was at this point we decided to throw the communal laptop out of the window and never speak of this show again.
Neighbours time and Toadie can’t quite believe that Peter may be responsible for the attack on Chris!! We can’t believe it either! TOADIE! Who is Chris? But then he’s questioned by the police and ends up being accused of attacking the man we don’t know or care about one bit. It’s alright though?because?Rhys finds Chris at the garage and proves that not only is he good at finding people, he can perform emergency surgery on missing people whenever he damn well pleases. ?Chris dies. HA! He doesn’t.
Kyle assumes that he and Jade and in a relationship but she reacts badly when the ‘R’ word is mentioned. We do hope ‘R’ stands for Rimming.
Thank god that’s over, time to mock another soap star and this week it’s Mark Fowler off Eastenders for the best moment ever on Dancing on Ice.
Sam says
This made me laugh so much. Thank you!!!