It seems that despite awful, factual things happening in the world right now, some of you still care about those fictional people in Soapland who earn great big wads of cash for pretending their life is much grimmer that yours. That’s highly unlikely isn’t it?
So let’s take a look at all the depressing nonsense which awaits you this week.
As usual we crawl on our hands and knees towards Eastenders where it seems that Tanya and Max are not doing it anymore due to that pesky cancer business. Max proves his loyalty to Tanya by?leching?at Lucy in her t-shirt and complaining to Jack that he’s not getting any. All this from someone who’d be lucky to get interest from his right hand? We don’t think so.
Elsewhere Heather’s weird dancing boyfriend Andrew seems to have a dark secret in his past and despite the fact we don’t care what it is, we’re sure they’ll force it upon us at some stage before Heather meets her timely and thankfully fatal demise. Andrew gets all?possessive?when Heather has a night out with Shirley and warns Shirley that things will change when he marries Heather. ?Nothing will change Andrew. It’s Eastenders.
Meanwhile Tyler and Whitney are still looking at each other like sex pests and Fatboy is still bouncing around between them, pretending to be a DJ. ?Whitney finally dumps him which is good news for everyone who thought this was the most unconvincing romance since Ian Beale and…well… all of his wives.
Next we put on a brave face and march quickly towards Coronation Street where people who actually took time to research this crap tell us that Tommy suspects that Kirsty is cheating on Tyrone. ?He then tells Tyrone who confronts Kirsty but will she explain what’s going on? ?Is the baby really his? ?Of course it is – ?it’s all a hilarious misunderstanding and Tyrone decides to propose because that’s what you do when after you accuse your girlfriend of being a cheating bastard. ?Someone called Julie is also being accused of being unfaithful and getting pregnant to a man with a vasectomy in his past and Audrey bumps into Lewis Archer. This will mean something to those of you who actually watch this soap. Do let us know.
Finally, we arrive at Neighbours where ?everyone has the same set of teeth and quite frankly, this unnerves us. ?Kyle makes Jade promise to cancel her boot camp and when she ignores him he decides that this is because she has a secret past! That’s much more exciting than the fact that she just really wanted to go to boot camp. ?So exciting that from now in everyone in hecklerspray?will have a secret past when asked why they couldn’t be bothered to do what they were told.
‘Joanna- why were those Soap Spoilers so shoddily written?’
‘Because I have a secret past.’
No one has been able to find out who attacked Chris, which means that this week Chris’s attacker returns to finish the job properly and again, Chris dies. Maybe.
Yep, now that’s out of the way, it’s time to gaze in wonder at the entire cast of Eastenders singing for charity in 2008. We haven’t stopped laughing at this yet.