It’s Monday you morons! Time to find out exactly what your?favourite made up ?people are up to this week in Soapland! MADE UP? That’s right, it isn’t real but was invented by people called writers who, if the hecklerspray scribes are anything to go by are most likely soulless?villains,?sniggering at you from behind their laptops.
We know we are.
We’re off to Eastenders first for no other reason than we’ve spent all weekend licking our framed poster of Shane Ritchie, where Tyler gets well and truly battered in his first boxing match, organised by family member and complete bastard Michael.
Michael wants Tyler to lose so he decides his?opponent?will be?someone?called Stiller, who is so mean he probably glares crossly at kittens for fun and gives people negative feedback on Ebay, even when they’ve provided quality goods and a prompt?service.
Awful.
But despite being hit several times in his stupid face, Tyler sees Whitney in the crowd and remembers that she’ll never shag him if he’s dead or in traction, so he decides to win the fight FOR LOVE! However, it’s too late and bleeding on his brain means he ends up having life saving surgery while his dad David Essex sings ‘Oh What a Circus’ to passing nurses.
AAADWIAN!
Michael is FUMING that he hasn’t been given a better storyline and decides to take it out on Vanessa while causing trouble for Carol and everyone else that coughs in his general direction. Carol thinks Vanessa and Eddie are doing it so she buggers off to do Yoga with Sonia in Soaphell. Michael then finds out he’s got a half brother who has Down’s Syndrome, increasing the number of Moon family members to 754.
In other unlikely news, Darren kisses Lauren after Jodie dumps him for stealing from the car lot and Mandy has a cunning plan to give Phil Mitchell a lap dance for calling her a prostitute.
Really?
Over to Coronation Street where Steve is shocked when Deirdre drops something. A BOMBSHELL! Despite being sworn to?secrecy, she tells Steve that Tracy is pregnant and is going to have an abortion. ?As Steve pretty much can’t be arsed doing anything he tells Tracy that he wants nothing to do with the baby. But then he changes his mind again. OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAN, PICK A SIDE. ?Does Tracy go through with it? No, of course she doesn’t, there’s a year’s worth of material there to tediously spin out.
Carla still has cold feet about this wedding and isn’t very happy when Frank tells her the house they wanted ages ago is now available again. She then decides to secretly go and see a solicitor giving Frank the prefect opportunity to burst in and demand to know what’s going on. “WHAT’S GOING ON?”, he’ll say.
Meanwhile Tina boxes someone in with Rita’s car. ?”OH JESUS CHRIST, NO!!”
Ahem.
Finally it is time to admit that we still watch Home and Away, even though Melissa George isn’t in it any more and this week Heath gets tasered after he’s arrested for being a drug dealer. That’s more like it. There’s also secret affairs, a?character?called Roo and probably some sharks in the sea who are patiently waiting to eat Alf Stewart. ?Struth.
Until next week….
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