Soap Spoilers! Fights! Drugs! Fire Walking!

Hello Soap Fans! Have a good week? No? Brilliant. We hope you’re all miserable.

It’s time to find out what’s happening in the land of made up people this week and you can be grateful that you won’t have to gaze upon anyone dressed as a Pearly Queen ever again. Well except our editor Mof when we put those Polaroids up later.

As usual we’re off to Eastenders first this week where ‘Lip’ has escaped from Shameless for the afternoon, calls himself ‘Rob’ and decides he’d like to be evil to Whitney again at the seaside. When Whitney turns up to meet Lee at the park she realises that it’s all been a big setup and that no-one really wants to go out with her, mainly because she always looks a bit grubby.  She manages to escape from Rob by diving head first into a moving  car full of cast members conveniently going to Southend, including that Heather one who makes us want to self harm using the jaggy edge of our Pot Noodle soy sauce sachet.

However, fear not as Fatboy is there to save the day by being brave and defending Whitney, only to get a kicking from Rob for his troubles. Whitney then decides she wants her equally grubby but strangely attractive brother Ryan there to kick some ass. Where is Ryan? Dealing drugs? Whispering sweet nothings into Lauren’s fringe? Probably but regardless he drops everything to save his sister and have a fight with Rob which results in them both falling off the pier. A body is dragged out by police. WHO IS DEAD??? IS IT RYAN???? Well he’s leaving so it probably is. We don’t care as much as you do.

Elsewhere Kim gets absolutely shit-faced and ends up in a skip. Turns out her ex boyfriend has HIV and she’s been worrying that she may be infected. She isn’t. So there.

Is it happier times in Coronation Street? Course not, they’re all bloody miserable as usual! Fiz finds out that Ginny is back on the drugs and is promised a place in the mother and baby unit  if she tells the guv who the dealer is. What will Fiz do? Squeal like a piggy we hope.

Marc decides it’s time to come clean about Marcia and reveals all in public where Audrey is mortified and wonders whether she can spend her life with a man who looks better in a dress than she does.  Becky vanishes with Hope, Kylie gets the sack from the salon for being a dirty stop out and Doctor Carter asks out Tina.  Not the one off E.R.  That would be remotely exciting.

Finally in Hollyoaks Brendan decides to hide his sexuality and shocks Lynsey by kissing her. Glad that was all he did.  Sinead is pleased that Bart loves her but not so thrilled that Jason is more important to him so she tells him to bugger off.  Amy feels guilt about sleeping with Dodger and tries to hide it from Fagan, sorry Lee (not the one off Eastenders) who’s latest project is fire walking.  Carmel decides that a naked calendar would be a good idea to raise money for Father Francis and we really want to have a serious word with whoever writes this.

Until next week you gorgeous creatures.

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