Soap Spoilers! Disease! Flat Wrecking! Disgust!

We love soaps…well, perhaps love is a bit strong, maybe despise is closer to the truth but regardless we realise some of you need this information in order to function normally, so here you go.


In Eastenders this week, Max and Tanya finally get caught out even though we’ve all known about it for weeks and have been telling anyone who’ll listen. Yes, Jack has foiled their evil cockney plan and tells Max that he’s going to end up a lonely old shit-bag like him. Then Max says something back and when Tanya turns up Jack says she’s no better than Stacey and Tanya does a chin wobble. ?The cad.

Then Max and Tanya decide that after 178 years of fighting and shagging, they’re still in love and decide to tell everyone in the whole world. ?BUT THEN Tanya gets a letter from the doctor saying that her smear test has come back abnormal and she may have cancer.

So that throws a spanner in the works eh? Will she still run off with Max? Will Lauren pass her driving test despite not being able to see anything through that fringe and will?shaky?Vanessa come round and clean our bedsit please?

Also in Easties this week, Kat demands to get her couch back off David Essex or demands he pay her ?1000 for a new one. What will he do? She gets it back.

She then realises her couch is minging and goes off on a rant because she’s never bloody happy and mad Jean fancies that bloke wot fancies Pat and offers to be his ‘Pearly Queen.’ ?We dread to think.

Next we jog off to Coronation Street where the life threatening diseases are also infecting the characters here as we find out that Chris has a brain tumour. Of course he does. ?He manages to smash up Maria’s flat before blurting this out to Cheryl. She then wants him to move in with her and?Lloyd (Craig Charles), who thinks this is a?rubbish?idea and wishes Red Dwarf hadn’t been cancelled.

David and Kylie are left in charge of Audrey’s salon where they promptly give someone some dangerous reiki or something and Gayle goes to her mum and grasses them up. ?However Audrey is busy making Marc and has to quickly shove a cream pie in his face to stop Gayle finding out.

We blame Johnnie Marbles. Not just for this.

Anyway, Gayle goes to work in the Bistro, Brian and Julie decide to go on a second date and if they decided to follow the third date rule, we don’t want to bloody know about it.

Finally it’s over to Hollyoaks where India’s murder is being investigated and the pressure is getting to Texas who’s finally wondering why both she and her sister have been given ridiculous names. ?Until someone called Silas pipes up and she realises it could have been a lot worse.

BUT then Mercedes, Riley, Carmel, Dodger and Bart appeared and we threw our television out of the window in disgust and hoped for a quick death.

Until next week you maniacs.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!