It has got to be hard being a professional singer on the road day after day, performing to masses of eager fans that called in sick to work so they could get online the second your tickets went on sale and say to the envy of their friends "yeah, dude. Tickets sold out in like 32 minutes or something, and I got lower bowl seats," and not to mention trying to find a decent place to go number two while travelling.  

Having said this, we feel there are a few things that should not be done by professional singers such as a) wanting to perform with alleged child pornographer R. Kelly, b) peeing your pants on stage c) do meth, or d) cancel a concert halfway through the first song because of food poisoning, when you knew you were deathly ill in the first place and should’ve cancelled the concert before everyone made the effort to be there.  

Could someone please pass this on to Fergie? Because that’s who this is really for. She’s done all of them. Especially that last one, because that’s what just barely happened. 

Fergie sure seems to have some difficulty controlling the liquids that come out of her when she’s on tour. Remember when she peed her pants onstage performing with the Black Eyed Peas? Yeah, that was a ‘Dear Diary’ classic entry for us, too. But the most recent incident comes from her concert appearance in San Salvador last Friday that she had to cancel after performing half a song because she had food poisoning. Ok, she didn’t actually vomit or diarrhoea herself onstage, but we’re trying to tie the whole uncontrolled liquids thing together. Just go with it.   

Anyway, Fergie appeared onstage in a hat, sunglasses, and tracksuit and performed part of her newest single Big Girls Don’t Cry before exiting the stage, and then returned to call the whole thing off. E! Online reports that she said the following to the 10,000 fans at the performance: 

"I am so sorry I can't give you the full show tonight. I am not one of those bitches who cancels their show for 'exhaustion,' okay?" 

We’re thinking Fergie isn’t going to make any new BFF’s out of Amy Winehouse and Willie Nelson after that comment, both of whom have cancelled concerts citing exhaustion as the cause. What a shame, really, because the three of them could make such a lovely musical act together on stage peeing their pants like an ADD toddler hopped up on pixie stix, getting their stomachs pumped after ingesting massive amounts of drugs, and owing millions of dollars in back taxes to the IRS.    

Fergie went on to explain the situation to Friday’s crowd further: 

"I have never cancelled a show in my life. I was basically sick on my death bed with food poisoning and I said, 'I cannot do the show, I can't do it. I'm not gonna do it to my fans and look like a jackass’. So, I got it together and I might not look pretty or cute or have makeup on or have changes, but you know what? I came here for you."

We like jackasses. They were a great help during our days of farm tillage and threshing. We have no doubt Fergie would be just as useful given the opportunity. And we also have no doubt that no one would begrudge her cancelling a performance before it took place because she was most likely heaving up whatever bacterial-laden cuisine that made her sick in the first place instead of cancelling halfway through the first song. But that’s just us.   

We may be being a bit harsh regarding Fergie. In fact, she’s probably raising her eyebrows in disbelief at such jeering. At least she would if her eyebrows weren’t already so ridiculously high in their Morticia Addams-like state. Seriously. Those suckers give us nightmares.

Read more: 

Fergie Felled By Food Poisoning – E! Online