Great, American Idol’s over. We’re thrilled. No more talking about American Idol for another… what’s that?

Simon Cowell’s ex-girlfriend Terri Seymour was allegedly choked by someone who appears to be a nutbag outside the American Idol studios on Tuesday night, you say? Oh great. Thanks very much. There we were, thinking we were all done with writing about American Idol for 2009, but oh no – Terri Seymour’s stupid throat had to get in the bloody way, didn’t it? Well screw you, Terri Seymour’s idiot windpipe. You’ve ruined everything. EVERYTHING.

Terri Seymour is OK, by the way. We’re not monsters.

Whatever you might think of the man, Simon Cowell is obviously a catch. He’s loaded, for starters, and it wouldn’t matter if you were having a bad hair day because his teeth are so alarmingly white that anyone who saw you together would instantly have their retinas permanently scorched out by their dazzle. Plus we once read in Cosmo that women get really turned on if you continually bombard them a protracted and withering critique of their lack of ability to do something they obviously enjoy.

So with that in mind, it’s obvious that everyone wants a piece of Simon Cowell. And, if that’s not immediately possible, they want a piece of Simon Cowell’s ex-girlfriend Terri Seymour. In particular the piece of Terri Seymour that they want is the skin that directly covers her trachea.

That’s if the alleged actions of Janice Thibodeaux are anything to go by, of course. Because it’s claimed that Janice Thibodeaux choked Terri Seymour outside the American Idol studios on Tuesday night. MSNBC reports:

The alleged incident occurred when Thibodeaux reportedly approached Seymour and asked if she was the “Idol” judge’s girlfriend. Thibodeaux then allegedly attacked Seymour and attempted to choke her. Thibodeaux has been booked on felony battery and is being held on $52,700 bail.

Now that seems a little harsh. You shouldn’t choke Terri Seymour just because she used to be Simon Cowell’s girlfriend. No, at a push you could probably get away with choking her for co-presenting Wheel Of Fortune with gruesome sex tape star John Leslie for a year at the turn of the decade, but even then it’d probably be frowned on and shouldn’t be attempted.

In fact, according to some reports, the real reason for Janice Thibodeaux choking Terri Seymour is because Simon Cowell had joking choked Paula Abdul on that evening’s episode of American Idol, and she wanted revenge. Which is frankly depressing.

Doesn’t this woman know that to be a genuinely unsettling Paula Abdul fanatic she needs to literally audition for American Idol just so she can get some face time, only to end up killing herself outside Paula Abdul’s house because the weight of rejection became to much for her? You can’t just rock up and try to strangle the ex-girlfriend of the man who sits next to Paula Abdul on American Idol – that hardly counts at all.

Honestly, if we had to characterise the decline of modern civilisation in one example, it’d be the decreasing craftsmanship in obsessive Paula Abdul fans’ manic displays of love. How terribly sad.

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