Forget everything you’ve seen on The Apprentice; you can’t get rich by dressing up as a lion and selling sweeties to screaming children at the zoo – but you can get rich by telling fat people they can’t sing very well in a smugly camp way.

Just ask Simon Cowell. By sneering at bad singers, sacking inept little Irish pixies and rolling his eyes every time someone mentions a very recent massacre, Simon Cowell has become the biggest mover in this year’s Sunday Times Rich List. It’s now estimated that X Factor and American Idol have earned Simon Cowell £100 million, something that Simon Cowell plans to celebrate by having his granny teeth whitened to such an extent that the shine will be enough to boil the inside of a normal human eyeball in less than a second.