Simon Cowell Unconvincingly Tries To Help The RSPCA

Hecklerspray is generous, loving, giving, caring and considerate. We consider ourselves modern-day saints and are standing by our phones for the Pope to ring so he can make us all saints for the 2008 remixed version of the Bible.

We know when his holiness will ring as his personalised ring tone is Pulp’s Disco 2000. Everyone else in our phone book ring under various Shed 7 songs. But what makes us so generous? Well apart from giving gypsies the remains of our lunch on the way home from work we like to also paint messages on our hand like Chris Martin from Coldplay and preach bollocks to people that we don’t care about. But we’re not the only ones. Trouser-loving Simon Cowell has oddly stepped up to help the RSPCA stop animal cruelty.  

Don’t get us wrong, the RSPCA is a great cause to be involved with and someone with such a high profile as Simon Cowell will only boost awareness of any of the RSPCA's campaigns. However, the way the advert is delivered makes us wonder if the bloke really does have a heart. Take a look…

Anyone else get the impression that Simon Cowell knocked this out on a lunch break from one of his ghastly reality shows? His monotonous voice shows bugger-all emotion for the cause and makes us wonder if he actually give a toss about animal cruelty at all. Clearly Simon Cowell did this RSPCA advert because he doesn’t want people to think he's some kind of cold-hearted arse all the time.

Yes we realise the advert's supposed to look like some kind of reality TV show using Simon Cowell due to his association with the genre, but that's the problem. Hearing Simon Cowell wearily rattle on about a cat that's been "dumped in an alleyway and left to starve" in exactly the same way that he told the MacDonald Brothers that they were useless on X Factor last year doesn't exactly make us want to race out and adopt one. Instead, the impression is that the animals featured in the RSPCA advert - Poppy, Honey and adorable Tilly - are battling it out to avoid elimination from a singing contest. And by 'elimination' we mean 'getting so mistreated that they die'.

Now that’s the kind of TV we want to see, survival of the fittest. But with all the recent phone-in scandals, the results of RSPCA X Factor would be fixed anyway, giving Honey the chance of a second life whilst Poppy and Tilly die in a pile of their own blood and vomit. Sadly, however, we don’t expect to see animal battles on our TV screen any time soon. Though a real life celebrity deathmatch series would go down well. Only for the simple reason that we could eliminate people like Simon Cowell and Piers Morgan off our screen forever.