Simon Cowell Single-Handedly Destroys Music

The UK is a bad place to be living at the moment. Everything is going wrong from the government losing all the country's information, dodgy political donations and Morrissey getting caught up in a scrap about immigration.

At times of crisis hecklerspray turns to music, but this time we can't. We can’t get away from the X Factor at all. It’s splashed across our TV screens and advertised during ITV’s endless repeats of Midsomer Murders. Amazingly, last year's X Factor winner Leona Lewis hasn’t faded into oblivion yet. In fact, she’s been plonked on top of the charts for six weeks now, with a song that we think is about about periods. Not only is Bleeding Love the best-selling single of the year, her album is also number one. Time to celebrate? No, we’d rather just crack Simon Cowell one for brainwashing ten-year-olds everywhere into buying songs about irrational female moodswings.

When you think of giant faceless corporations destroying the world, you might think of Nike forcing young Asian children to make flip-flops with just a needle and thread or McDonalds for destroying lots of trees in Brazil so there's more room for rubbery-tasting burgers and milkshakes.

And then there's Simon Cowell. Look, the top three UK albums are as follows:

1 - Leona Lewis, Spirit

2 - Shayne Ward, Breathless

3 - Westlife, Back Home 

What do they all have in common? Firstly, they all make semi-decent drinks coasters, but they're also Simon Cowell products. Leona Lewis and Shayne Ward as we all know to well have came from X Factor and are the only real success stories of the show.

So what does this mean for Cowell? His Syco Music label has put out both Leona's and Shayne Ward's album. His other imprint 'S' is also responsible for the Westlife album. And that means more money for Simon Cowell.

Could it get any worse? Well sadly it can. Not content on shitting over the album chart, Cowell has other problematic albums bubbling around from his other TV show Britain’s Got Talent. Remember every pie's worst nightmare Paul Potts? Well he is there at number 38 with a special Christmas edition of his album One Chance.

And at number 35 is the annoying little child who appeared on the show – Connie Talbot. She may look like she’s missing a few teeth from eating too many Chewits, but that isn't stopping her from mauling old favourites for cash. Never has Somewhere Over The Rainbow been so hard to listen to. 

And please spare a thought for poor Kylie whose badly-titled album X could only limp in at number four due to Simon Cowell’s grip on the chart. Still, saying that it’s not the best record in the world - it mostly just sounds like Calvin Harris tunes sung by a lady computer.

Read more:

Leona Lewis Still Strong On UK Charts - Billboard