The UK is a bad place to be living at the moment. Everything is going wrong from the government losing all the country's information, dodgy political donations and Morrissey getting caught up in a scrap about immigration.
At times of crisis hecklerspray turns to music, but this time we can't. We can’t get away from the X Factor at all. It’s splashed across our TV screens and advertised during ITV’s endless repeats of Midsomer Murders. Amazingly, last year's X Factor winner Leona Lewis hasn’t faded into oblivion yet. In fact, she’s been plonked on top of the charts for six weeks now, with a song that we think is about about periods. Not only is Bleeding Love the best-selling single of the year, her album is also number one. Time to celebrate? No, we’d rather just crack Simon Cowell one for brainwashing ten-year-olds everywhere into buying songs about irrational female moodswings.
When you think of giant faceless corporations destroying the world, you might think of Nike forcing young Asian children to make flip-flops with just a needle and thread or McDonalds for destroying lots of trees in Brazil so there's more room for rubbery-tasting burgers and milkshakes.
And then there's Simon Cowell. Look, the top three UK albums are as follows:
1 – Leona Lewis, Spirit
2 – Shayne Ward, Breathless
3 – Westlife, Back Home
What do they all have in common? Firstly, they all make semi-decent drinks coasters, but they're also Simon Cowell products. Leona Lewis and Shayne Ward as we all know to well have came from X Factor and are the only real success stories of the show.
So what does this mean for Cowell? His Syco Music label has put out both Leona's and Shayne Ward's album. His other imprint 'S' is also responsible for the Westlife album. And that means more money for Simon Cowell.
Could it get any worse? Well sadly it can. Not content on shitting over the album chart, Cowell has other problematic albums bubbling around from his other TV show Britain’s Got Talent. Remember every pie's worst nightmare Paul Potts? Well he is there at number 38 with a special Christmas edition of his album One Chance.
And at number 35 is the annoying little child who appeared on the show – Connie Talbot. She may look like she’s missing a few teeth from eating too many Chewits, but that isn't stopping her from mauling old favourites for cash. Never has Somewhere Over The Rainbow been so hard to listen to.
And please spare a thought for poor Kylie whose badly-titled album X could only limp in at number four due to Simon Cowell’s grip on the chart. Still, saying that it’s not the best record in the world – it mostly just sounds like Calvin Harris tunes sung by a lady computer.
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bob the builder says
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
All year your website has been trying to rubbish Leona.
Now she sits where she belongs – At the top of the charts.
I hope she does for many more weeks just to annoy you.
By the way its nto only 10 years olds that like Leona.
I suggest you take a visit to her myspace page.
She has fans of all ages from all over the world.
Ameria is next for this Amazing and beautiful singer
Buster Crabb says
Bob, you jizz sniffing cock jockey, fuck off.
Nav says
Oh just shut the fuck up you jealous twat and leave leona alone she is the bst singer out of all the talent shows around the world you prick
gir says
Leona Lewis does America? Yeah, that’s what the US needs, another horse-faced cunt who blew Simon Cowell to get ahead.
As if we haven’t had enough of Paula Abdul already.
charlie says
How about listening to the CD’s you don’t like before commenting on them.
i'm torn says
i don’t know wether i like hecklerspray more for their amusing OTT articles, or for the comments on said amusing OTT articles. keep up the good work guys :)
Gilbert Wham says
“she is the bst (sic) singer out of all the talent shows around the world” Yes, that’s all very well, but it doesn’t mean what she’s singing is really any good, now does it?
@ I’m torn: I know, there’s been a bit of a dearth of rabid trufans recently – I miss them,
i'm torn says
@Gilbert Wham : maybe they are beginning to realise that hecklerspray isn’t exactly The Times ? :)
brainwashed says
Where it belongs? at the top of a manufactured chart that you are brainwashed into listening for a start you stupid stupid CUNT.
Leona like all the other acts are nothing but piles of manufactured SHIT that appeal to brain dead little jizz rags like yourself. BRAVO!! BRAVO! for the pulp you eat daily… And that is the funniest thing of all! that it is you that is the mindless done that laps up the shit, not actually the music which is obviously retarded! its the target audience of fucking brainless little cock smokers… I.E YOU!