Now we know this might seem like a sad time for you, America. Simon Cowell has confirmed his American Idol exit.
We’d be sad too. Sad at the prospect of losing American Idol‘s driving force. Sad at the prospect of future American Idols being held together by the sellotape-and-string charisma of Kara DioGuardi. Sad at a potentially nightmarish new American Idol where the Simon Cowell part is played by Piers Morgan and his giant melting head.
But let’s focus on the positives here – don’t think of it as losing an American Idol Simon Cowell. Think of it as gaining an X Factor Simon Cowell. Which, to be fair, is exactly the same as an American Idol Simon Cowell except more of a Shakespearian allegory for the corrupting nature of power.
It was no secret that Simon Cowell wanted to leave American Idol. Ignoring the bit where everyone in Britain decided that they hated X Factor so much that they deliberately stopped the last winner from getting to number one, X Factor is one of the most popular shows on British TV. And it’s made by Simon Cowell’s production company.
So obviously Simon Cowell was eventually going to leave American Idol to start an American version of X Factor. Because that way he gets to make even more money. Enough money, even, for Simon Cowell to finally realise his dream of making his teeth so ridiculously white that he can use them to deflect sunlight into the eyes of his enemies, instantly burning their retinas into minuscule, irreparably shrivelled-up husks. Or, if that fails, making his haircut so stupid that it transfixes his enemies for so long that they eventually clatter into a lamppost.
Simon Cowell’s basically a Bond villain, that’s our point.
But anyway – yesterday Simon Cowell announced the inevitable and declared his intention to make this his final season of American Idol. The Miami Herald reports:
“I want to leave Idol this year bigger and better than it was in the past,” Cowell told reporters at the Television Critics Association tour Monday. “I’m thrilled that we have put a date on the launch of the U.S. version of The X Factor, and delighted to be continuing to work with Fox,” he said. “We have a fantastic relationship, a great team and are all very excited about this.”
Yes, look, it’s all very sad and everything – but this is no time for sentimentality. The brutal truth of the matter is that X Factor is coming to America, which means that America has to brace itself while it still can. Because we’re essentially kind-hearted philanthropists, here are the aspects of X Factor that Americans need to brace themselves for:
1 – It may be presented by a man called Dermot O’Leary. He’s like Ryan Seacrest, but shorter and owns a restaurant where one of the dishes is called Fishy Fishy Fish & Chips. You’re right to judge him unfairly because of this.
2 – One of the judges may be a woman called Cheryl Cole. Yes, that is her real accent. No, none of us can understand what she’s trying to say either.
3 – Everything that ever happens on the show will be accompanied by endless deafening explosion noises. Inappropriate given the current terror levels, yes, but at least they help mask the fact that you’re basically watching the world’s most mediocre televised karaoke competition.
4 – There’s a slight possibility that Simon Cowell will try to make the winner sing a version of a Miley Cyrus song. When this happens, don’t be afraid – simply organise a Facebook campaign that asks everyone to buy a Rage Against The Machine song instead.
5 – You’re going to hate X Factor. It’s awful and you’re going to hate it. But you’re still going to watch it. And that’ll make you hate yourself. We’re speaking from experience here.
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Sunny says
I despise myself for watching the current American counterpart and likely will completely loathe me when X-Factor arrives.
Perhaps though, now that Simon’s beloved “Pauler” was so unceremoniously dumped from Idol, he’ll hire her and all will be happy again for she and those little doggies of hers that she keeps falling over about.
Carole Ford says
The first season of American Idol was great and then…just not interested
Amanda says
you are right. bad news for Idol. great news for Paula! :)
fly says
Best news ever. Just hope Paula will be on it. I will definitely switch over to X factor without a single backwards glance at American Idols. Good riddance to bad rubbish