Simon Cowell is bigger than Bruce Springsteen. That's not just lazy opinion – that's straight to the bone scientific fact direct from the mouth of Simon Cowell himself, and Simon Cowell knows more about Simon Cowell than you, so it must be true.
Sure, Bruce Springsteen signed a record deal for around $100 million, but Simon Cowell thinks that – as he's bigger than Bruce Springsteen – someone should be paying him $500 million. That's the claim that Simon Cowell made during an interview with 60 Minutes to be broadcast on Sunday, anyway. And who's to say Simon Cowell doesn't deserve $500 million? In fact, we'd happily give Simon Cowell all our earnings past, present and future, plus everything contained within our parents' will and first go on our wife if we ever decide to get married – so long as Simon Cowell agreed to never let Il Divo anywhere near another effing microphone so long as they live. Fair swap, we think.
Simon Cowell has built up a livelihood on – if not saying it how it is – then saying it a little bit worse than how it is, using the voice of slightly camp museum curator to do so. Nothing can escape Simon Cowell's withering dismissals – not men that look like women, not two men with very obvious learning difficulties and not even crazy bald singers who can't even kill themselves properly. Obviously Simon Cowell's ridiculously forthright nature on shows like American Idol and X Factor has landed him in trouble in the past – at one point Simon Cowell was receiving 500 death threats a week – but it's also made him insanely wealthy.
But not wealthy enough to know when to shut up, of course. Although someone seems to have thankfully informed Simon Cowell that his X Factor movie idea stunk like a dead woman's arse, nobody seems to have passed Simon Cowell the memo saying that non-Americans should probably not go on an American TV shows and casually declare themselves to be bigger than an institution so American that it even released an album called Born In The USA once. ABC News reports:
Simon Cowell says he's bigger than The Boss. In an interview to air Sunday on CBS' "60 Minutes," the "American Idol" judge says he's worth five times more to Sony BMG than Bruce Springsteen. "I sell more records than Bruce Springsteen, sure," Cowell says of the 57-year-old rocker, who signed a contract that was reported to be in the neighborhood of $100 million. "I mean, in the last five years, I've probably sold over 100 million records. If (Springsteen) got one hundred (million dollars), I should have got five hundred (million dollars)," he says. Cowell says he sells all those records because he's signed "the biggest artist on the planet" Fox network's "American Idol."
We're not going to give too much thought to Simon Cowell and Bruce Springsteen settling this argument with a fight – by the time Simon had taken his granny teeth out and adjusted his belt until it was comfortably resting at nipple level everyone would have got bored and gone home – but is being bigger than Bruce Springsteen something that Simon Cowell should actively brag about? Lately the most Bruce Springsteen has done to attract headlines is to not have sex with a 9/11 widow. Since we haven't had sex with a 9/11 widow either, that makes hecklerspray easily as famous as Bruce Springsteen too, although we haven't written as many songs about bumming whores in hotels as him.
So is Simon Cowell really bigger than Bruce Springsteen? Hard to tell. On the one hand Bruce Springsteen is the man behind Born To Run and Hungry Heart and the winner of 15 Grammys and an Oscar. On the other hand, though, Simon Cowell is responsible for this…
What's our point? We've long since forgotten. But we do feel strangely suicidal.