Simon Cowell Goes To Wales, Slags It Off

Hear that noise? That tiny high-pitched squeaking noise? That’s us farting in terror at the realisation that a new series of X Factor is just weeks away.

Because every year it’s always the bloody same - week after week of listening to turgid Whitney Houston cover versions sung by blubbering personality voids, all preceded by Simon Cowell going on a whistlestop tour of the country to tell everyone in each region that they’re awful at singing and should probably try killing themselves.

Most recently, Simon Cowell has been to Wales. Cue predictable outrage in 5, 4, 3, 2…

You know when we said that X Factor is always the same? Actually that’s a bit of a lie - there’s one major difference this year. And that’s that Sharon Osbourne has been replaced by Cheryl Cole as an X Factor judge. So instead of a shrieking batty old lady, X Factor hopefuls will be assessed in part by a slightly younger lady who looks like she’s mugged a Rochester prostitute for her outfit.

Other than that, though, X Factor is exactly the same. Exactly. And that means that this is the time of year when Simon Cowell arbitrarily singles out one region of the country for abuse because it’ll get him in the papers and remind people that a new season of X Factor is just around the corner.

And this year it seems like Wales is the region in line for a Simon Cowell kicking. You know, Wales - the country that’s produced world-beating singers like Tom Jones, Shirley Bassey, that bloke out of The Stereophonics and, according to Wikipedia, Lisa Scott-Lee. And nobody else.

You see, even though Wales is widely called the land of song - admittedly mainly by the Welsh themselves - Simon Cowell would literally rather shoot himself in the face with a maritime cannon than listen to anyone from Wales so much as hum a power ballad.

Wales, Simon Cowell has heard you sing. And he thinks you’re shit. He told Wales On Sunday:

“Talent was in the minority in Wales. There were about two good girls but we saw a lot of people who were really bad. Don’t blame me when you see the show and you’re let down.” Louis Walsh said that he had hoped to discover the next Tom Jones but got “Bonnie Tyler” instead. “On a scale of one to 10, I would give the talent in Wales a three.”

Luckily the Welsh are well-known for their reasoned debate and their unwillingness to let blind frothing patriotism get in the way of constructive criticism, as the reaction of Welsh theatre school owner Maureen Evans proves:

“I think they are being very petty and are just trying to knock us… Right now, I have this amazing nine-year-old student who plays the piano and violin wonderfully. I could go out now and find the talent myself. I think anyone could because there’s so much of it in Wales. I’m a million per cent Welsh and feel very strongly about this.”

A million per cent Welsh. She’s literally ten thousand times more Welsh than it’s physically possible to be. You just can’t argue with someone as Welsh as that.

However, we’re going to have to side with Simon Cowell on this matter. We don’t know how good Welsh people are at singing in general, but we’d cheerfully back anyone who’ll reduce the chances of us having to sit through another sodding Rhydian Roberts this year.